During one of my last pre-new-roommate nights, I decided to take full advantage of still being alone in my apartment by ordering terrible food in that I could eat far too much of, while sitting around in my pajamas and crying hysterically to chick flicks (it’s possible I was also PMSing). If no one’s there to judge me, it’s like it never happened.
I decided on pizza.
Somehow, though, nothing for me is ever simple.
I knew Pizza Hut usually had pretty good deals so I googled their number. A nice young woman answered the phone:
Woman: “Hi, Pizza Delight, how may I help you?”
Me: “Huh? What? I’m looking for Pizza Hut… What’s happening?!”
Her (slowly): “This is Pizza Delight. I don’t know Pizza Hut’s number – that’s an entirely different restaurant chain.”
Me (kind of laughing hysterically from confusion and starting to ramble): “Of course you don’t! It appears my Google app lied to me. I totally searched for Pizza Hut, I swear. This is embarrassing. And funny. For me. For you it’s mostly a waste of time. I’m so sorry. I don’t want your pizza. Your pizza’s really good though! I was just looking for Pizza Hut.”
I tried to Google it again when I got off the phone, because as we all know, Google likes to fuck with me. But of course now everything is showing up normally because Google’s all “Ha! No one will believe you now!”
So on round two, I actually reach Pizza Hut.
Random Pizza Hut employee: “Hi, Pizza Hut. How can I help you?”
Me: “Hi! My friend told me you’re supposed to have some kick-ass deals on a medium pizza right now? Is that one particular kind, or can I pick the toppings? How does this deal work?”
Him: “Ummm, I think I know the special you’re talking about but that’s over now.”
Me (crushing disappointment): “Oh… I don’t know where to go from here. Do you have any pizza and garlic finger combos on right now?”
Him: “We have a medium pizza and 12 breadsticks on for $23.99* right now.”
Me: “Are breadsticks what you call garlic fingers?”
Him: “No, they are bread sticks baked with garlic. You can also add cheese to them, so they’re kind of like garlic fingers.”
Me: “Ok… I don’t want that. What about chicken pizza**? Do you guys do those? Chicken, spinach, feta, red onion, that kinda thing? Or BBQ Chicken?”
Him: *Lists the variety of chicken pizzas they have*
Me: “Ok, so how much for a medium?”
(We then go through 5 minutes of setting up a ‘customer profile’ for me because I’ve never ordered from there before – to answer a simple question)
Him: “That will be one kazillion*** dollars.”
Me: “Oh… ok. Can I you a call back?”
Him: “I assume I can cancel out of this right?”
Me (laughing nervously): “Yes, yes, best do.”
I hang up the phone.
THIS time I decide to order online (from a third place I might add, cause I know they have a good special), despite never having done so before because I usually prefer the phone. But I had reached my quota of awkward phone calls for the day.
DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A TRACKER?!?!?!?!
I mean, probably you know that because I assume I’m the last person on earth to not have ordered pizza online yet.
But I was real excited about the tracker. I immediately had to text people about it:
When the teenaged kid showed up at my door with the pizza I was still excited about the tracker.
Me: “I’ve never ordered pizza online before!”
Him (rather uninterested): “Oh yeah?”
Me: “There’s a tracker! It told me Mark was making my pizza, so I immediately texted a friend about it and we started talking about Mark’s wife and kids and stuff.”
Him (suddenly sporting a terrified look): “What?”
Me: “We were joking. Satire? I don’t actually know Mark.”
Me (rambling again): “I assumed he was a teenager without a wife and kids, and my joke would be painfully obvious. Apparently not.”
Me: “Would you just like to give me my pizza and go?”
I’m never talking to the delivery people again. It ends badly for everyone involved.
*I don’t know the actual price so I made it up but it was in that general vicinity.
**I love chicken pizza. The ‘sell-your-soul’ kinda love.
***It was not a kazillion dollars. But it might as well have been, because it was out of my price range.
PS – You’re welcome for the free advertising; Pizza Hut, Pizza Delight, and Domino’s. If you could all hook me up with free pizza for life I’d call it even.
PPS – No seriously, though. Give me free pizza. I’m hungry.