Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

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The First Snow and the Morning That Everything Went Wrong

So with the anniversary of my mother’s death last week, I apparently forgot that I write a blog. Every week. Every. Single. Friday. Morning.

I’m not kidding.

Went I got up that morning at 3:30am I went “Shit – it’s Friday! Already?!?!” so that’s why you missed a post from me last week. I’m sorry.

That was just the beginning of my troubles that morning. It was also the first snowfall of the year. When I looked out the window, debating whether or not to take a cab, I figured that the snow falling was more ‘snowy’ than ‘rainy’ so I decided to walk.

And while the ground looked like it was covered in beautiful, fluffy white snow, what I could not see from my window was that underneath the layer of snow was about a half-foot of slushy ICE-COLD HALF-FROZEN water.

Which for a normal person, would not be a problem. But NONE of my boots are water-proof. Let me just remind you that I live in Canada and I do not actually own a real pair of winter boots. Because I’m TERRIBLE at adulting.

So about two blocks into my walk I had to turn around and go home because my boots flooded with the coldest water my toes have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I did not have the foresight to bring extra socks with me. Plus the whole frostbite thing might really slow me down at work.

Luckily, I left early enough so that this little setback was not a total disaster.  I got home, took off my already half-frozen soaking-wet socks, changed into another pair of boots that were slightly more waterproof and called a cab.

Sidenote: Not waterproof enough, because my feet got wet again later that day on my walk to my second job.  Note to self: Buy actual winter boots.

Sidenote #2: Cars, if there is a shit-ton of slushy water on the ground maybe don’t drive past pedestrians on the street at mach one speeds, pelting them with water and frozen chunks of ice. Just a thought.

Sidenote #3: Cars, I’m sorry. You’re right, muddy road-water was exactly what my outfit was missing. I didn’t realize that you were just trying to look out for me. My bad.

Sidenote #4: Seriously, I’m starting to think that little washable paintballs that I could throw at cars for splashing me might be my new small business adventure. I’d make a killing. Or get my ass kicked. Definitely one of those two things.

Ok – back to my morning. So I get home and call a cab. I’m the type of person that never actually carries cash with me. Luckily, there’s a bank right next to my work so I always stop there in these types of situations.

The other thing I couldn’t see from my window? Half the city was in a power black-out. Except my store, apparently (lucky me…). So the bank had no power. The cabbie didn’t seem too concerned about it, until I clued him in that the bank was my method of paying him. Then he got concerned about the situation along with me.

Him: “Oh, looks like the bank’s power’s out. That’s too bad.”

Me: “No, that’s actually terrible news. I don’t have any cash, I was going to get cash out here for you. That’s why I asked you let me off here instead of my store.”

Him: “Oh shit, really?”

Me: “Ya, I’m not joking about this. It’s 4:45am. It’s too early for jokes.”

Him: “Ummm…”

Me: “Do you have a card or a phone number or something? I can pay you later today when the power comes back on.”

Him: “No, I don’t really do that. Once you let someone out of your cab, it’s no longer a criminal matter if they don’t pay you. So you’ll have to pay me now.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you – I really don’t carry cash on me. Could I leave you my ID or something? This really isn’t an elaborate hoax to rip you off. If I could somehow orchestrate cutting the bank’s power, I would just rob the bank. Not rip off a single cab ride.”

Him: “You could just get your ID replaced.”

Me: “It would cost me more to replace my driver’s license than just pay you for the cab.”

Him: “It’s happened.”

Me: “…”

Him: “…”

Him: “I wonder where the closest ATM is with power? There’s a bank on the other side of town…”

Me: “No, I can’t leave. You don’t understand – I have to open this building so that other people can get in and start their work days. I had to do that 5 minutes ago.”

Him: “Could you get money in your store?”

Me: “No, our store doesn’t open until 9:30am, our systems aren’t even online yet.”

Him: “…”

Me: “…”

Me: “I’m out of ideas. And I really have to go.”

Him: “Oh wait! I think I have a debit machine in here… just one sec.”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

And he did! He held me hostage in his cab for 10 minutes, and he had a debit machine the whole time.

The I got into the store, and the phone is ringing off the hook because my entire team has decided the weather’s prevented them from getting to work. Oh except one person. Interesting note: If that one person hadn’t shown up, I could’ve gone home too. So the two of us worked with the power flicking on and off all morning – occasionally picking our way through a pitch black store… but the power never stayed off just long enough for us to go home.

Because the universe wanted me to have a terrible morning, but not so terrible I could call it quits.

Thanks universe.

This is the view from my deck in the summer vs the winter. I'm not ready yet.

This is the view from my deck in the summer vs the winter.
I’m not ready yet…

PS – At the time of this post a week later, I have yet to buy actual winter boots. See… the weather warmed up and I didn’t need them again.

PPS – I never learn.

Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING.

So I wanted to share this with you guys before it’s actually winter. It’s my fall article for G! Magazine – the 10-Reasons-Why-Fall-Is-The-Best-Ever-And-I-Totally-Don’t-Miss-Summer-At-All List (because maybe you miss summer already like me and need a list to help you with the transition). Enjoy!

Link: The Pumpkin-Spice Season

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.

I always joke about how they pumpkin-spice EVERYTHING and I love that madness but I did not realize just how prevalent this was.  I googled pumpkin-spice for an image for this post and while I should have seen another one of my Google adventures coming, somehow I did not. Here’s what I discovered:

PUMPKIN. SPICE. ALL. THE. THINGS.

Yes, we’ve finally accomplished it.  We win at fall.  Everyone can go home now.

Of course I had to share some of the weirder ones, we all know about pumpkin spice Oreos but I’ll bet you didn’t know about some of these (I sure didn’t):

Let’s start off nice and easy. I actually just want some pumpkin spice vodka now. I also saw a pumpkin-spice wine that I’m quite interested in. Someone send me some?

Source.

 

PS-yogurtPumpkin spice greek yogurt. This could be good. I’d try it.

Source.

 

 

 

marshmellowsPumpkin spice marshmallows. It makes sense, but I still didn’t know it was a thing.

Source.

 

 

PS-soap-300x300Pumpkin spice soap. I’d TOTALLY use this.

I thought I would start you off easy on this list. Fair warning – it’s going to get weird soon.

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enhanced-30027-1410290043-15Pumpkin spice listerine strips. No joke.

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Four LokoI drank Four Lokos in New York, so this made the list.

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cedars-pumpkin-spice-hummus

Pumpkin spice… hummous?

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

ps peepsI feel like Peeps probably need more than just Easter, so I’m gonna let this one slide.

Source.

 

 

06e501537bc75f925a38b9a49a8c253dPumpkin spice pasta sauce. I don’t know why, but I can tell you it is.

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

6d9a1e8274b1ecd312db94f6b621aca8Pumpkin spice beef jerky. Because why not?

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS-chews-300x300Pumpkin spice pet chews. So your pet can get in on the pumpkin spice action too, I guess?

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pet shampooPumpkin spice cat and dog shampoo.  Seriously, my cat DOES NOT CARE about the pumpkin spice season.  I just asked him.

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

EXIF_JPEG_T422Pumpkin spice soy milk. It’s completely weird, but I’d buy it. I’d put it in my coffee. Regular milk jumped on the bandwagon too.

Source.

 

 

 

ps toothpastePumpkin spice toothpaste. This is really starting to get ridiculous.

Source.

 

 

 

butterI can’t believe it’s not pumpkin spice! Oh wait, it is.

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

PS-sausage1-300x300Pumpkin-spice chicken sausage. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Source.

 

 

 

 

 

PumpkinSpice TamponsI’m pretty sure this is a photoshop thing, but I didn’t research it too hard at all because I didn’t want to ruin it.  So I’m considering it a real thing until proven wrong, because they do have scented tampons, which frankly, is just as ridiculous.

Source.

 

condomAnd the winner for most ridiculous? This. It’s not real, but it wins anyway. Also, I kind of think it will be real by next pumpkin season.

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funnyAnd I couldn’t not share this photo with you.

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I’m going to bed now because I finally can’t even.

Go home Winter, you’re drunk.

It’s no secret that over the last week the east coast of Canada has just been pounded with snow.  So I’d like to share some snippets of my favourite correspondence that has ensued from this little adventure of ours.

This was posted on my wall from my cousin in Toronto.

This was posted on my wall from my cousin in Toronto.  Here’s a link to the article if you’d fancy a look.

I also immediately posted this to her wall in response:

That's a picture of my deck.

True story.  Like all responsible adults who have to shovel their decks with a dustpan because they don’t own a shovel (in Canada I might add), I decided the only reasonable thing to do would be to build a snow fort.  The path that you see right in front of my door wraps around the giant pile, and there’s an entrance on the other side where I’ve hollowed out the tower.

I'm not kidding. Here's a picture from the inside of my super awesome snow fort. Cause if you're gonna have to deal with piles upon piles of snow, it might as well be fun.

I’m not kidding. Here’s a picture from the inside of my super awesome snow fort. Cause if you’re gonna have to deal with piles upon piles of snow, it might as well be fun.  Also – I’m sorry this picture is so terrible.

I got the following text from a friend of a friend:

Yes, you read that right. There's a car in there. Despite more than three solid hours of digging by three guys, it still took a tow truck to get it out.

Yes, you read that right. There’s a car in there. Despite more than three solid hours of digging by three guys, it still took a tow truck to get it out.

And I took the following pictures on a walk through town a couple days after the big blizzard:

This is a downtown sidewalk. The snowbank is taller than I am!

This is a downtown sidewalk. The snowbank is taller than I am!  Also, I just noticed now that apparently I missed a selfie contest.  Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep now.

But despite it all, this little girl managed to have a blast playing on top of the snowbanks.

But despite it all, this little girl managed to have a blast playing on top of the snowbanks.

So this is what the past week has been like in our little part of world.  If you’re dealing with snow too, I recommend 10 deep breaths while visualizing a hot sunny beach.  Then buy me a plane ticket to that beach.

I’m kidding!

Sort of.

I love Graffiti – Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of I love Graffiti.  If you’re new here, the first installment can be found here.

It snowed today, and reminded of this picture that I found last winter and I just had to share it with you.

 

Yup.  This pretty much sums up how I feel about winter.

Yup. This pretty much sums up how I feel about winter.

Seriously, I live in Canada and our winters can be brutal.  If you live somewhere like California and have no idea what I’m talking about I hate you can I come live with you for the next 5-7 months? I’ll totally clean up after myself and walk the dog and everything.  You won’t even know I’m there.  I promise.

I offer the following proof of the fabled Canadian winter:

This is like a winter 'Where's Waldo' edition of 'Find my car!'.  I'll help you out.  It's hiding under a pile of snow.

This is like a winter ‘Where’s Waldo’ edition of ‘Find my car!’. I’ll help you out. It’s hiding under a pile of snow.

Think of scraping ice off your car in minus 20 temperatures.  Think of slipping and falling on the ice.  It will happen at least once every winter.  Think of frostbite.  Seriously, I got frostbite on my ear last winter.  Not that gross your-skin-totally-turns-black kind.  Mild frostbite.  It was weird.  My skin was really dry and hard for like a week and now my ear hurts in the cold and it is forevermore more susceptible to frostbite.  I am a grown-ass adult (I know – the adult thing is debatable when it comes to me) and I got frostbite on my ear because I forgot a hat that day.  On a side note – is there someone I can talk to about revoking my adult membership?  Cause it mostly sucks.  I mean, breakfast beer is cool.  And so is not having a curfew (even though I always stay out too late).  But this whole you-have-to-be-responsible-and-go-to-work-so-you-can-pay-your-bills thing?  Totally bogus.

Care for a nice little stroll downtown?  No?  I can't possibly see why not.

Care for a nice little stroll downtown? No? I can’t possibly see why not.

But I digress.  Winter’s not all bad.  When you wake up to everything covered in a fresh blanket of snow and the whole world is glittering in the morning sun it is pretty magical.  Or snowshoeing.  Skating.  Random blizzards that give you an unexpected day off work and make you feel like a kid that doesn’t have to go to school that day all over again.  Filling a water balloon with a mixture of red dye and water and then building a snowman with the balloon in it’s head and having an elaborate war game with people divided into two teams, one protecting the snowman and one trying to gruesomely stab the snowman in the head to replicate a murder scene.  I mean, I’ve never actually done that last one but it sounds AWESOME.

I guess what I’m saying is winter is full of ups and downs, good and bad alike.  Much like the rest of life.

The best only thing to do is crack a beer and find a hockey game on TV.  Here’s wishing you a happy Canadian winter!

This is the view from my deck in the summer.  It's beautiful, uplifting, idyllic.

This is the view from my deck in the summer. It’s beautiful, uplifting, idyllic.

This is the view from my deck in the winter.  I feel like this view simply says "Fuck you."  I think I'm just gonna go back to bed.

This is the view from my deck in the winter. I feel like this view simply says “Fuck you.”