How to pitch your consulting services: A practical guide in what NOT to do.

I recently had to upgrade my license to a Class 4 so the government would know that I probably won’t crash when driving a bunch of people around in a 15 passenger van but that seems really unfair because WAS MY LIFE ALONE NOT WORTH THE EXTRA LEVEL OF TESTING? Now I feel unloved by the government, which to be honest is kind of a regular problem.

I’m getting off track.

I felt like I had leveled up in life. Like, if life were a video game, the ‘badge unlocked!’ screen would flash in front of my face and give me a gold star.

Except.

The rental van – which was so big it was more like a bus – was way fancier than my little beater car and it had a bunch of buttons on the dash that I had never seen before. I asked my trainer about them but she was like “just ignore those” but I can’t because BUTTONS and I couldn’t ask my driving tester guy because I was afraid he’d be like “you don’t know what those buttons are?” and then take away my fancy license.

If you managed to follow that you also get a gold star for your ability decipher bullshit.

That one’s important.

And, sidenote, it’s funny that I have a fancy license because I am the same girl that proclaimed, upon entering a friend’s car;

“Ooo, automatic windows and air-conditioning. Fancy! My car is manual everything, and you know what I do when it’s too hot out? I die. I stagnate in a car so hot it would be illegal to leave a pet in it. What does this button do?”

And then, a week later, I stated that I couldn’t drive a stick. I was with the same friend, and they gave me a look of utter confusion and said “Didn’t you say your car was manual?”

“Oh no, not like that. It’s automatic. It’s manual everything else. Like, I have to manually roll down the windows and stuff. That’s manual labour, ya know? Manual.”

I was dead serious.

Anyhow, back to the buttons in the van. Now I feel like it will be one of those great unsolved mysteries – I’ll never know what these buttons do and I’m too afraid to push any of them in case one of them is the ‘spontaneously combust’ button, which frankly, would be irresponsible of them to include without clearly marking it with an on-fire stick man.

There also appears to be a to-do list button, and I don’t know much about how these designer features are added but I don’t think you should be creating your to-do lists and driving at the same time.

Seems distracting.

I’m already bad enough at to-do lists.

Mazda, if you’re reading this, I’d be happy to come aboard as a consultant and test-drive your new vehicles in exchange for insightful feedback such as this.

Only automatics though.

The moral of the story here is that it’s been found, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I am responsible enough to transport lots of other adults around at once.

Who wants to go for a drive?

 

 

 

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The most glorious sports you will ever see.

Remember when I posted about this comedy gold? Well..

The man. The legend. The commentary. It’s back!

PS – My favourite part was the stretcher that said “Reserved for Sterling”. I’m dying.

It’s a wonder my family still talks to me…

Had the following conversation with my sister:

Running away to Mexico

It’s a wonder my friends and family still talk to me, considering my propensity for wandering far off-topic very quickly in weird and unexpected ways.

They deserve medals.

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Cottage Life

I have a whole post written about the Island Literary Awards, and I logged in last night to schedule it for today BUT THEN I DIDN’T HAVE THE PICTURES I NEEDED!!!! And I can’t even get them because I have family visiting and I’m staying in a cottage so I don’t have any of things I need. I fail at blogging.

I’m not that surprised though, cause I often fail at life.

I’m at a gorgeous cottage though so it’s hard to be too upset about it:

 

I also have this video to share with you guys.  It’s like Awesome met History and they had a baby together after a bottle of tequila and 20 ritalin:

Next week – Island Literary Awards update!

I think I’m finally starting to understand this whole ‘sportsing’ thing…

Remember way back when I posted that this is how most sports talk sound to me? Well, I think I’m finally starting to understand the appeal. The man. The legend. The commentary. Pure gold people. Scott Sterling everyone!

PS – I do like hockey though.

PPS – During playoffs. None of that junior league shit.

PPPS – And Olympics. I like those.

PPPPS – But only if Canada wins. Otherwise I get stabby.

PPPPPS – Remind me to tell you about the time we watched the Canadian team play for the gold medal in the Olympics and we did shots for every goal the Canadian team got.

PPPPPPS – I felt like we were contributing members of the team.

PPPPPPPS – Yeah, we pretty much won that one for Canada.

PPPPPPPPS – You’re welcome, Canada.

Pretty sure smiley faces cancel out murder threats.

New Roommate

So my roommate moves in today. In one of the first conversations we’ve had, I already threatened to murder him in his sleep.

I feel like this is going to go well.

In my defense though – he was bragging about his kick-ass metabolism and never gaining any weight and that’s like begging to be murdered by women everywhere.

Proof (I’m in green):

Roommate

PS – I’m pretty sure if they tried me in court, I would get off because it’s ‘baited murder’.

PPS – I’ll admit that’s probably not the correct term because I know nothing about the legal system and also I’m too lazy to google it.

PPPS – And also a little afraid to google it, because that would probably look really weird on my search history at work.

PPPPS – I thought about easing him into my sense of humour, but then I decided to just hit him in the face with it right off the bat. Like throwing a child into the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim.

PPPPPS – Which is a terrible way to teach children how to swim.

PPPPPPS – #ThatsRightMomImLookingAtYou

PPPPPPPS – Although I am an excellent swimmer now.

PPPPPPPPS – Did I mention the roommate can’t swim? Perhaps I’ll shove him in a pool. Because I like helping people.

PPPPPPPPPS – Actually, that would be a great way to murder him. Cause y’know, no evidence. Ruled as ‘accidental drowning’. That whole legal system term debate is moot now.

PPPPPPPPPPS – Well that wrapped up nicely.

I’ve been shortlisted!

I have some exciting news – I’ve been shortlisted for the Prince Edward Island Literary Awards!

I’ve never submitted anything to any type of writing competition before, so it’s pretty cool to be shortlisted on my first try. And a provincial one at that. So even if I don’t win, I’m still totally stoked about this whole thing (ie you’ll find me crying in my bourbon later that evening but I’ll totally hold it together for the Gala).

The Awards Gala is in May, and my first thought when I read ‘Gala’ was; Is it cool if I show up in jeggings or do I have to get fancy?

I have messed up priorities (which are obviously any kind of pant without a zipper, pizza, and Netflix – sometimes I think I need to re-evaluate my life choices).

I know, I can’t believe they picked me either, but here’s the proof.

In other news, here’s a great example of why I love my friends:

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Because they take my weirdness and off-the-wall references totally in stride.

PS – I don’t even drink bourbon, it just seems like a “crying into” kinda drink.

PPS – For the record, a Charlie Sheen hookup indicates a matter of hours and a Taylor Swift relationship is calculated in weeks. If someone responses with “think Dracula”, that means ‘pretty much forever’.

PPPS – Please don’t sue me Charlie Sheen/Taylor Swift! I have no money. It’s not worth it.