Who else feels like a vaudeville right now?

I’m still here! Juggling too many projects. Be back soon!

On the upside, I’ll have much to tell you. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: WordPress just informed me this was my 100th post…

Well, fuck.

The most glorious sports you will ever see.

Remember when I posted about this comedy gold? Well..

The man. The legend. The commentary. It’s back!

PS – My favourite part was the stretcher that said “Reserved for Sterling”. I’m dying.

I don’t know how to Ad.

I had some things recently that I needed to sell, but because I rarely take things seriously I thought I’d try and make myself laugh along the way.

dresserfutonSeriously, it’s constantly funny to me that I’m allowed to be in charge of my own life.

PS – I totally sold the dresser. Nobody wants the futon cause futon’s are terrible.

Really, not helpful.

I have a tendency to write random notes or thoughts, especially at work, and especially during phone calls or conversations. Usually these thoughts and observations get transcribed onto sticky notes. I run my life on stickies.

These stickies, however, aren’t always useful.

A prime example of this is a post-it note I found at work:

sticky-v1‘Not engaging’ seems like a pretty important note.

I vaguely remember writing this as a reaction to something (a project, maybe?) that I reviewed, but beyond that I got nothing.

So I updated the sticky with a little “note to self”.

sticky-v2PS – Isn’t it truly shocking that “young professional” is a descriptor for me?

The universe is gaslighting me.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was like “Hey! I was reading this article on gaslighting the other day and I totally think the universe is gaslighting you.”

Because the universe never lets me go long before it starts messing with me. This is one of those times.

Me right now. Source.

Me right now. Source.

I’ve spent the majority of this week in a near-constant state of anxiety. Oddly not due to politics. But thanks to politics at least I have lots of company.

I’ll be back when I don’t feel like an animal chewing it’s foot out of a trap.

Probably next week.

PS – Here are a few comic strips I like to go to for distraction, if like me, you’re needing a little escapism right now:

Gun Show

Sarah’s Scribbles

The Pigeon Gazette

Silence Killed the Dinosaurs (this one’s a comic/blog blend)

I totally got this.

To be clear, I’ve never been a doomsday prepper. But the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves has never seemed more at risk to me (at least during my lifetime). It’s not that I think anything in particular will happen, just that we are skating on some thin cultural ice right now.

I was discussing all this with my sister, and then a couple of days later I came across this article from the New York Times.

So, obvs, sent it to her.

prepping

Clearly, I’m all set.

PS – It might be that I’m crazy like a rich person. The difference is subtle, but substantial. Yet another indicator that I was meant to be born rich but the universe fucked up. You had one job, universe.

PPS – OR it could be subtle signs from the universe that I’m going to be super rich. I’m sorry for being so hard on you a second ago, universe. Please forgive me.

PPPS – Oh shit, what if the universe is going to hold a grudge now and not make me super rich?!

PPPPS – Dammit, I’m probably back where I started.

PPPPPS – Which is not at all totally prepared for the collapse of Western civilization.

Inauguration Drinking Game

I know.
Another Trump post. But this one’s a drinking game. It’s okay.

1-5
Today is a day that many have been waiting for with apprehension. I hear he wrote his speech himself. If you feel like you can’t possibly watch this without being inebriated – I’m here to help. I’ve put together a handy list of Trump’s common words and phrases. It’s Yuge (that’s how Trump says ‘huge’).
Play responsibly. You’re going to get hammered.
RULES: A sentence can only fall into one category at a time. Common phrases trump words (a pun! Did you see it?!), and repetition trumps (again! It’s terrific!) words & phrases.

Common Phrases: 1 Shot

Donald Trump has said…

  • I’m telling you/Let me tell you/I’ll tell you what…
  • Believe me…
  • Make our country/America great again…
  • Just the best…
  • Many people believe…
  • I kid you not…
  • I (or my team/cabinet) am/make the best at/with/for/all other variations…
  • Mark my words…
Every time Trump uses one of the following words you’re going to take one sip of beer/mixed drink. I’ve put together handy examples of how he’s used these words in the past, for your reference. DISCLAIMER: I didn’t use ‘best’ because I don’t want you to die.
 
Winning: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • We don’t win anymore.
  • It will change. We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning.
  • Work hard, be smart and always remember, winning takes care of everything!
Loser: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th
  • (on John McCain) I supported him, he lost, he let us down. But you know, he lost, so I’ve never liked him as much after that, because I don’t like losers…He’s not a war hero…He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.
Tremendous: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • …tremendous waste, fraud and abuse. That we’re taking care of. That we’re taking care of. It’s tremendous.
  • I have to release tremendous amounts of information.
  • I am worth a tremendous amount of money.
Terrific: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on meeting with the Republican National Committee officials) … a terrific meeting.
  • (on Obamacare) Repeal and replace with something terrific.
  • (on newly-elected Muslim London mayor) If he does a good job and frankly if he does a great job, that would be a terrific thing.
Classy: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I built the Grand Hyatt right next to Grand Central Station – beautiful, classy job – but then the city denied my request to have the top 10 floors illuminated with my face at night. Can you believe that?
Huge/Yuge: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • It’s gonna be huge!
Sad: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on Nelson Mandela funeral) What a sad thing that the memory of Nelson Mandela will be stained by the phony sign language moron who is in every picture at [the] funeral!
Smart: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Steward. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
  • I’m, like, a really smart person.

Now, to counteract some of this, you’re gonna want to take a looooong drink of water every time Trump repeats himself. Following is a handy reference guide.

Repetition: 1 long drink of water

Donald Trump has said…

  • Believe me. You’ll never get bored with winning. You’ll never get bored!
  • I went to an Ivy League school. I’m highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best, but there is no better word than stupid. Right?
  • (on fellow candidates) All of ’em are weak, they’re just weak. Some of them are fine people. But they are weak.
  • We need toughness now. We need toughness.
Happy drinking everyone, and mix your Xanax and alcohol responsibly.
Commenter Submitted:
From Ben’s Bitter Blog, Phrase: “_____________ industry is a billion dollar a year industry.”
PS -If I’ve missed any, please feel free to add them in the comments below!
PPS – On a serious note, I’ve pledged to do an act of kindness today. To help balance it out. At least for me. And tomorrow I’m going to join in a Sister March in my city to the Women’s March on Washington. Consider looking for one in your city if you want to do something to show you are not okay with Trump and all he stands for.
UPDATE:
This is the first thing that made me feel hopeful today, so I wanted to share it too.
hope

Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

bear-213640_960_720

I’m gonna be a millionaire…

Or responsible for the apocalypse.

Let me explain.

So I was at an event and having a lengthy conversation with a person I didn’t actually know. She knew me though. By name. And I am often too polite to ask “Who are you?” so I just pretend my way through the conversation.

Afterwards my friend came up to me and said, “Who was that?”

I don’t know,” I replied. “But she seems nice.”

That’s when we came up with a new invention. It’s like Shazam, an app you launch on your phone that listens to music and then tells you who it’s by, but for faces. You would discreetly launch it and point it at somebody and it would tell you who that person is.

We’re going to call it Whozami.

PS -The apocalypse because dozens of dystopian novels start with this type of software.

PPS – The only drawback is I can’t figure out how to discreetly point it at someone’s face. “Are you taking a picture of me?” “No! Shut up. I mean, just keep talking. Nothing weird happening here. You were talking about Bob from the general store? Can you keep your face still?”

PPPS – This sorta thing might already exist and they’re just not letting us pleebs use it.

PPPPS – The government is ruining my social life.

I think I gave my sister anxiety.

I am 100% percent not ready for Christmas so I’m going to pretend that it isn’t happening. At least for now.

******

If you didn’t read about how I fixed my phone, go here first.

I got an email from my super tech-brilliant sister a couple days later with a link to that post:

It simply read: “FYI, this has caused me physically heart-wrenching death pains.”

I responded: “Was it worry for me possibly dying in a bed fire, or simply worry for the phone and my technique?” (I totally already knew the answer.)

Her: “A little bit of the first, but primarily the second. Why nail glue? Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy?”

I laughed for awhile when I read that – which is terrible because she was probably actually twitchy. Apparently I should have used glue specially designed for repairing phones and other electronics.

Well, dear sister, I didn’t have phone-repair glue. I had nail glue.

Love the one you’re with, ya know?

And I stand by it. It totally worked.

PS – But actually, you should listen to her advice and not mine. Your chances of dying in a bed fire drop by, like, 90%.