Did you guys know there are dildos with cameras?

***Full disclaimer: this post talks about dildos and vaginas. If you’re not cool with that, I suggest coming back later.***

So my techy sister and I had the following conversation:

A little while later we had this follow-up conversation:

 

PS – I’m really scared of the type of google searches that are going to lead people to this post.

PPS – If you’re here because you were looking for sexy time videos (aka porn), I’m sorry.

 

 

I got an Oscar Award.

Remember a million years ago when I said I was working on a super awesome blog post for you guys? This is it. I’m sorry it took so long. I’m a terrible blogger.


Well… maybe not so much an Oscar Award as a blogger award. But that’s what it feels like so I’m rolling with it.

Starlight Blogger Award

I was nominated for the Starlight Blogger Award by Irish blogger and photographer Steve, who hosts an incredible blog at https://ireland2day.wordpress.com/.  His shots are beautiful, and often accompanied by entertaining stories.  One post of his that I read recently was about an 18th century Gothic castle Irish ruin, ghosts, the IRA, and a banshee.  Seriously, what more can you want?  (Me, I want nothing more.  Except maybe my own castle.  I don’t ask a lot).

Steve put the following questions to me, and although I don’t interview well I’m going to do my best to answer them.

1. If I could change one thing in history what would it be and why?

I don’t believe in changing the past.  The past, our personal histories and our shared communal histories, shape who we are in the present.  If we change something in the past so that it never happened, then we also never had the opportunity to learn from it.  And maybe the lessons we learned were important.

Also, I’m pretty sure that I am unfortunately the type of person that would build a time machine, change the past, and then suddenly my life would become a horrific butterfly effect movie.  Like, I build the time machine but keep it a secret because that kind of power can’t fall into the wrong hands.  Time machines are dangerous things people.  Then I decide to hop in and go back in time to kill Hitler, finally answering that age-old moral dilemma of “If you could kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?”.  So I do.  I save millions of lives making me a hero, but because it never happened no body even knows I’m a hero so it’s also totally noble and humble and shit too.  No way that could go wrong right?

Then, because none of the scientists are working on the atom bomb for World War II and so instead they work on genetically engineering the dinosaurs back to life, so when I get back to the present day history has changed and I get eaten by a raptor.

So no, I wouldn’t change history because I don’t want to get eaten by a raptor.

PS – Seriously, I watched a TedTalk about it.  Scientists are attempting to turn chickens back into raptors.  Apparently, during fetal development they have teeth and claws and a long tail but because of a genetic mutation they get re-absorbed back into the body before the chicken hatches and if they can identify the specific gene sequence for this and turn it off then BAM! A little raptor-chicken hatches.

Raptors are coming people.  It’s just a matter of time.

2. What is something I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared to?

For those of you who have read me for a long time, you know that I grew up in a pretty turbulent way.  So I decided pretty young that I wasn’t going to let fear run my life. In fact, I think that most of the things worth doing are downright terrifying.  So if you are afraid, it’s probably an indication that you are on the right path.

For example, before I started this blog I was afraid that people would think that I was ridiculous for doing it.  That my silly little stories were pointless.  I was afraid that no one would care what I had to say, and that I would feel lost in a vast sea of internet voices, all vying to be heard over one another.  If I’m being totally honest, sometimes this still frightens me.  I think that’s one of the reasons I still hesitate to tell people I have a blog, and why I’m so terrible at self-promoting.

It’s also one of the reasons I was so pumped to get this nomination.  It’s another shield I can throw up against the voice in my head that says “you can’t” when it starts to get too loud.  This is why I think it’s so important to support our fellow bloggers and artists.

Even after I started the blog, I was terrified right before I hit ‘publish’ on the posts about my mother’s suicide.  I wasn’t sure I was ready to be so openly vulnerable, and to throw that vulnerability out into the world.  But I watched a Neil Gaiman video shortly beforehand that said something to the effect of “if you feel like you are stripping down naked and walking down a busy street, then you are probably creating something worthwhile”.  And so rather than turn away from all the things that frightened me I took a deep breath and reached out a hand to my fear so that we could move forward together, whatever that might mean.  I think that on my deathbed I’ll regret not the things I did nor the mistakes I made, but the things I was too afraid to do.  I try to remind myself of that when I feel like fear is getting the better of me.

I guess I should actually answer your question though.  I warned you that I was terrible at interviews.  I’m a rambler.  I’m doing it again.

Once, when I was 7 or 8 at Canada’s Wonderland I was too afraid to ride this roller-coaster that you stood up in, rather than sit down.  I loved roller-coasters, the feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you get just as you begin to drop down over the lip.  I would later realize that this feeling is a lot like the feeling you get when you fall in love.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons they call it ‘falling’ in love.

Anyway, when I got in this one roller-coaster I was standing in the seat and the bars didn’t quite fit down over my shoulders and suddenly I was terrified.  Gut-clenching afraid.

So I got off, to the laughter of the kids behind me.  If I ever go back there, I’m totally gonna make that roller coaster my bitch.

3.Is your blog your way of telling people that you have much more to say, than you actually do with the people you actually know, and why do you think that is?

No, I never shut up.  I love telling stories, both in person and in written form.  It’s a fault really.

It’s an incredible wonderful thing when you put a piece of your heart into a project and someone recognizes that effort even in the smallest of ways, so I’d like to say thanks again to ireland2day for the nomination.

This award is to highlight and promote inspiring bloggers.

 In keeping with the rules of accepting the award I will not nominate some awesome bloggers myself. And my nominees are:

http://bensbitterblog.com/ Ben is bitter, but in the best possible way.  Check out his post about The Bitter Ecosystem – it’s brilliant. Do you have your very own bitter ecosystem? Most definitely. Check him out to find out what it is!

https://theyourefineblog.wordpress.com Jessie can only be described as a meme-a-licious blogger from Southern California. Check out her hilarious recent post about running a marathon, Hey Guys, I Didn’t Puke! Just don’t give her any jellybeans.

http://fitsofwit.com/ Jamie is a very funny lady, there’s no denying it. She recently volunteered to be one of Hugh Heifner’s “average looking models”.  We are all anxiously awaiting his response.

https://silencekilledthedinosaurs.wordpress.com/ is an Australian blogger who is both funny AND draws you awesome pictures on her blog.  As she puts it, you should “follow her instead of the yellow brick road because Glinda is just using you”.  She’s also wise, that one. Unfortunately, she also suffers from spider-induced PTSD. What is that you ask? Do you have it too? You’ll need to read to find out. (Hint: If you’ve considered setting fire to your bed, the answer is probably yes).

https://athenasantics.wordpress.com/ Athena writes so that “her thoughts don’t spill out and inflict the innocent people in her life, and the internet seems well equipped to handle this sort of thing”. She’s got it wrong, because trust me, you want to be inflicted by her thoughts. In this post about forgetting her birthday, she let us know that if you ever feel lonely you should remember that the curiosity (a robot on mars) is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year. This is the kind of information that you need more of in your life.

https://whitegirlsbelike.wordpress.com/ Alanna just wrote a post about things that white girls like, despite her blog name. Obviously, pumpkin-spice was involved. Having just written a pumpkin-spice madness post myself, I feel a certain “in the foxhole” kinship with her. She very funny, go read her right now.


 

Here are the rules for the Starlight Blogger Award: 1. Thank the giver and link their Blog to your post. 2. Answer the 3 questions given to you*. 3. Please Pass the award on to 6 or more other Bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated by you. 4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your Blog please never alter the logo and never change the rules.

I’m going to stick with the same questions except that I am going to replace question #3 with “What is your zombie apocalypse survival plan?”  (No word of lie, this is one of my icebreaker questions).