How to pitch your consulting services: A practical guide in what NOT to do.

I recently had to upgrade my license to a Class 4 so the government would know that I probably won’t crash when driving a bunch of people around in a 15 passenger van but that seems really unfair because WAS MY LIFE ALONE NOT WORTH THE EXTRA LEVEL OF TESTING? Now I feel unloved by the government, which to be honest is kind of a regular problem.

I’m getting off track.

I felt like I had leveled up in life. Like, if life were a video game, the ‘badge unlocked!’ screen would flash in front of my face and give me a gold star.

Except.

The rental van – which was so big it was more like a bus – was way fancier than my little beater car and it had a bunch of buttons on the dash that I had never seen before. I asked my trainer about them but she was like “just ignore those” but I can’t because BUTTONS and I couldn’t ask my driving tester guy because I was afraid he’d be like “you don’t know what those buttons are?” and then take away my fancy license.

If you managed to follow that you also get a gold star for your ability decipher bullshit.

That one’s important.

And, sidenote, it’s funny that I have a fancy license because I am the same girl that proclaimed, upon entering a friend’s car;

“Ooo, automatic windows and air-conditioning. Fancy! My car is manual everything, and you know what I do when it’s too hot out? I die. I stagnate in a car so hot it would be illegal to leave a pet in it. What does this button do?”

And then, a week later, I stated that I couldn’t drive a stick. I was with the same friend, and they gave me a look of utter confusion and said “Didn’t you say your car was manual?”

“Oh no, not like that. It’s automatic. It’s manual everything else. Like, I have to manually roll down the windows and stuff. That’s manual labour, ya know? Manual.”

I was dead serious.

Anyhow, back to the buttons in the van. Now I feel like it will be one of those great unsolved mysteries – I’ll never know what these buttons do and I’m too afraid to push any of them in case one of them is the ‘spontaneously combust’ button, which frankly, would be irresponsible of them to include without clearly marking it with an on-fire stick man.

There also appears to be a to-do list button, and I don’t know much about how these designer features are added but I don’t think you should be creating your to-do lists and driving at the same time.

Seems distracting.

I’m already bad enough at to-do lists.

Mazda, if you’re reading this, I’d be happy to come aboard as a consultant and test-drive your new vehicles in exchange for insightful feedback such as this.

Only automatics though.

The moral of the story here is that it’s been found, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I am responsible enough to transport lots of other adults around at once.

Who wants to go for a drive?

 

 

 

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New favourite music stuffs!

Hillsburn is playing our Blues & Jazz music festival tomorrow, and I’m pumped. Two weeks ago, one of my dear friends (and total music buff) was like; “Have you heard of Hillsburn?” and I was like; “Nope” but then she put on the CD and I had totally heard one of their songs before. So I’m totes hip.

I don’t know what it is about my particular corner of the world, but here in the East Coast incredible artists and creators are literally dripping out of our walls. Literally. It’s kind of creepy actually.

Anyway, I think they must be spiking the water or something. And as long as they’re already spiking the water with talent, they might as well throw some LSD in there too. (Is that still a cool drug? I don’t know what the kids are taking these days.) Would make for a super interesting Saturday. That way we can all chase the dragons in the kitchen.

I’ve gotten off-topic.

Back to Hillsburn. These are some of my favs from their album “In the Battle Years”. Definitely worth taking a listen.

I also really love the last song from that album; “Billy”, but I can’t find a version that will play for me on YouTube so I don’t wanna link it. It’s on Spotify though, and I highly recommend taking a listen. Cause it’s super dark. Spoiler: It’s about murder. But it’s got a super catchy riff so it’s okay.

I don’t know if this will work for yas, but let’s give it a whirl:

https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/1PXmX2r7fBlpTXpIauTn5t

I’ve heard they put on a pretty epic live show, but even if they have an off-night I’ll likely be mildly intoxicated and drunk me is super easy to impress, so I win either way. Yay me!

If you see me at the show, yes – that is a flask in my purse and no, you can’t have some.

BTWs, the Storytelling Gig went off without a hitch, and as soon as I get the press pictures I’m gonna tell you all about it. It was awesome.

Here’s a backstage picture I took from another Small Halls show that I MC’d in the meantime:

I’m basically a music photographer now.

PS – I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this (cause duh) but drugs are bad. Don’t do them.

PPS – Unless they’re prescribed to you. Then take the drugs.

PPPS – This also feels like an appropriate time to point out that ‘sharing is caring’.

A Podcast Story – Pt. 1

OMG – things are happening! Slowly, and piece by piece, but they’re happening.

You know how I’ve mentioned that I’m launching a Podcast, right?

Here’s the logo:

Our tagline is: “Completely unsolicited life advice from two thirty-somethings who have no idea what’s going on…”

And this is the icon:

You can find the website here. It tells you what this is all going to be about. Please let me know if I’m missing something or if you are left with unanswered questions. It’s just a temporary landing site – something prettier will be developed down the road.

We even have business cards…

Business cards make it totally seem like I know what I’m doing right? Right?!?!

And our Facebook just went live. Like, 30 seconds ago. Please like it so I don’t feel like a loser.

My life is still a circus and I may be homeless come the 1st of June cause I haven’t found a new place yet. So send me good vibes please!

Where am I? What’s happening?

So in addition to a million projects, I’m moving. I don’t have a place to live yet, so send me good vibes. Also? Moving is the worst.

In addition to all that, I have some personal stuff happening that is stressing me out. One of the things that happens to me when I get stressed out is that I get easily confused. And super ADD. I have trouble keeping details straight.

Sometimes this leads to hilarity.

For example, I just thought that it was April but that May was already over.

Figure that one out.

I can’t.

Because that’s not at all how months work.

The good news is that some of my projects are wrapping up, which is good because my focus in GONE right now. I talked to my partner-in-crime for the Death Cafe and that is pretty much taken care of at this point, so it’s one thing off my plate.

I assume you’re wondering, “What the hell is a Death Cafe?”

Because people’s first reactions are usually “oh… isn’t that a little… morbid?” The answer is: it shouldn’t be, and it doesn’t have to be. We are living in a culture that isolates us from death, and discourages healthy conversations about it. That has some real-world impacts on our medical systems, on our end-of-life care, and on our burial customs.

There’s even some – dare I say it – cool things to talk about. Did you know you could have your ashes pressed into a record, over your favourite songs and stories? Or a diamond? Or you can become a tree!

I know that if I become a diamond, I hope I’m involved in some sort of epic heist.

So whether you’re afraid of death (like me!) or totally cool with it (like my co-host!), or just love to talk about anything and everything (like us!), death is a topic that is totally worth chatting about.

The purpose of Death Cafes is to normalize conversations around death.

Of course, I had so much fun designing the banner for this.

PS – In honour of my last-minute and somewhat frantic move, check this out. His captions are hilarious and it’s keeping me sane right now.

PPS – Because my life if so erratic right now, my posting schedule will be all over the place. I may even miss one or two. Please stick with me until things calm down again.

Did you guys know there are dildos with cameras?

***Full disclaimer: this post talks about dildos and vaginas. If you’re not cool with that, I suggest coming back later.***

So my techy sister and I had the following conversation:

A little while later we had this follow-up conversation:

 

PS – I’m really scared of the type of google searches that are going to lead people to this post.

PPS – If you’re here because you were looking for sexy time videos (aka porn), I’m sorry.

 

 

I’ll take that Premium D…

***Bonus post for my other post this week just being me posting about how I can’t post and the posting is f’ked up.***

***I may have just created a blogging black hole. Also, if you followed that, congratulations! You get a sucker.***

***This is that post I was having trouble with, I wanted to add a bunch of Beauty and the Beast GIFS but WordPress won’t let me because they hate me. Or you. Probably you.***

***I’ve since found out that it has something to do with the capabilities of WordPress.org over WordPress.com. I have to import my whole blog over to .org and find hosting and a bunch of other stuff to add GIFS. The moral of the story is no GIFs for you.***

***For now at least. No one knows what the future holds.***

I’ve been pulling some crazy days lately. All my days seem to be 18 hour days, but I’m working on super fun, creative projects so it’s okay.

One of the things I’m doing is launching a Podcast with one of my best friends (I’ll tell you about it soon!) and we actually have an event booked already, which has really put the pressure on our deadlines.

Instead of our weekly meeting last night, we decided to take a break from all the hard work over the last couple of months and go see Beauty and the Beast. It was…

AH-MUH-ZING.

And not just the movie. Or the soundtrack. Which I will be singing for a week.

But the tickets… we sprung for the “Premium D-Box Seats” and could. not. stop. giggling. Because we have the emotional maturity of 12-year-olds. (For those that don’t know, the Premium D seats are the ones that move and shake and shit.)

I didn’t realize the seat could be turned up or down, and for realz, the next time I go I’m going to ‘jack up the intensity of that Premium D’.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! What?!?!?!

I’m fairly certain at this point they didn’t get named Premium D by accident.

What’s your best Premium D pun?

PS – Oh, and it’s Good Friday. Can anyone tell me what resurrection has to do with Easter Eggs, and why do they come from bunnies? It’s like religion was designed to make you stop asking questions. #zombiejesus

PPS –

 

The most glorious sports you will ever see.

Remember when I posted about this comedy gold? Well..

The man. The legend. The commentary. It’s back!

PS – My favourite part was the stretcher that said “Reserved for Sterling”. I’m dying.

I totally got this.

To be clear, I’ve never been a doomsday prepper. But the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves has never seemed more at risk to me (at least during my lifetime). It’s not that I think anything in particular will happen, just that we are skating on some thin cultural ice right now.

I was discussing all this with my sister, and then a couple of days later I came across this article from the New York Times.

So, obvs, sent it to her.

prepping

Clearly, I’m all set.

PS – It might be that I’m crazy like a rich person. The difference is subtle, but substantial. Yet another indicator that I was meant to be born rich but the universe fucked up. You had one job, universe.

PPS – OR it could be subtle signs from the universe that I’m going to be super rich. I’m sorry for being so hard on you a second ago, universe. Please forgive me.

PPPS – Oh shit, what if the universe is going to hold a grudge now and not make me super rich?!

PPPPS – Dammit, I’m probably back where I started.

PPPPPS – Which is not at all totally prepared for the collapse of Western civilization.

Inauguration Drinking Game

I know.
Another Trump post. But this one’s a drinking game. It’s okay.

1-5
Today is a day that many have been waiting for with apprehension. I hear he wrote his speech himself. If you feel like you can’t possibly watch this without being inebriated – I’m here to help. I’ve put together a handy list of Trump’s common words and phrases. It’s Yuge (that’s how Trump says ‘huge’).
Play responsibly. You’re going to get hammered.
RULES: A sentence can only fall into one category at a time. Common phrases trump words (a pun! Did you see it?!), and repetition trumps (again! It’s terrific!) words & phrases.

Common Phrases: 1 Shot

Donald Trump has said…

  • I’m telling you/Let me tell you/I’ll tell you what…
  • Believe me…
  • Make our country/America great again…
  • Just the best…
  • Many people believe…
  • I kid you not…
  • I (or my team/cabinet) am/make the best at/with/for/all other variations…
  • Mark my words…
Every time Trump uses one of the following words you’re going to take one sip of beer/mixed drink. I’ve put together handy examples of how he’s used these words in the past, for your reference. DISCLAIMER: I didn’t use ‘best’ because I don’t want you to die.
 
Winning: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • We don’t win anymore.
  • It will change. We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning.
  • Work hard, be smart and always remember, winning takes care of everything!
Loser: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th
  • (on John McCain) I supported him, he lost, he let us down. But you know, he lost, so I’ve never liked him as much after that, because I don’t like losers…He’s not a war hero…He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.
Tremendous: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • …tremendous waste, fraud and abuse. That we’re taking care of. That we’re taking care of. It’s tremendous.
  • I have to release tremendous amounts of information.
  • I am worth a tremendous amount of money.
Terrific: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on meeting with the Republican National Committee officials) … a terrific meeting.
  • (on Obamacare) Repeal and replace with something terrific.
  • (on newly-elected Muslim London mayor) If he does a good job and frankly if he does a great job, that would be a terrific thing.
Classy: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I built the Grand Hyatt right next to Grand Central Station – beautiful, classy job – but then the city denied my request to have the top 10 floors illuminated with my face at night. Can you believe that?
Huge/Yuge: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • It’s gonna be huge!
Sad: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on Nelson Mandela funeral) What a sad thing that the memory of Nelson Mandela will be stained by the phony sign language moron who is in every picture at [the] funeral!
Smart: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Steward. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
  • I’m, like, a really smart person.

Now, to counteract some of this, you’re gonna want to take a looooong drink of water every time Trump repeats himself. Following is a handy reference guide.

Repetition: 1 long drink of water

Donald Trump has said…

  • Believe me. You’ll never get bored with winning. You’ll never get bored!
  • I went to an Ivy League school. I’m highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best, but there is no better word than stupid. Right?
  • (on fellow candidates) All of ’em are weak, they’re just weak. Some of them are fine people. But they are weak.
  • We need toughness now. We need toughness.
Happy drinking everyone, and mix your Xanax and alcohol responsibly.
Commenter Submitted:
From Ben’s Bitter Blog, Phrase: “_____________ industry is a billion dollar a year industry.”
PS -If I’ve missed any, please feel free to add them in the comments below!
PPS – On a serious note, I’ve pledged to do an act of kindness today. To help balance it out. At least for me. And tomorrow I’m going to join in a Sister March in my city to the Women’s March on Washington. Consider looking for one in your city if you want to do something to show you are not okay with Trump and all he stands for.
UPDATE:
This is the first thing that made me feel hopeful today, so I wanted to share it too.
hope

Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

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