A Podcast Story – Pt. 1

OMG – things are happening! Slowly, and piece by piece, but they’re happening.

You know how I’ve mentioned that I’m launching a Podcast, right?

Here’s the logo:

Our tagline is: “Completely unsolicited life advice from two thirty-somethings who have no idea what’s going on…”

And this is the icon:

You can find the website here. It tells you what this is all going to be about. Please let me know if I’m missing something or if you are left with unanswered questions. It’s just a temporary landing site – something prettier will be developed down the road.

We even have business cards…

Business cards make it totally seem like I know what I’m doing right? Right?!?!

And our Facebook just went live. Like, 30 seconds ago. Please like it so I don’t feel like a loser.

My life is still a circus and I may be homeless come the 1st of June cause I haven’t found a new place yet. So send me good vibes please!

Where am I? What’s happening?

So in addition to a million projects, I’m moving. I don’t have a place to live yet, so send me good vibes. Also? Moving is the worst.

In addition to all that, I have some personal stuff happening that is stressing me out. One of the things that happens to me when I get stressed out is that I get easily confused. And super ADD. I have trouble keeping details straight.

Sometimes this leads to hilarity.

For example, I just thought that it was April but that May was already over.

Figure that one out.

I can’t.

Because that’s not at all how months work.

The good news is that some of my projects are wrapping up, which is good because my focus in GONE right now. I talked to my partner-in-crime for the Death Cafe and that is pretty much taken care of at this point, so it’s one thing off my plate.

I assume you’re wondering, “What the hell is a Death Cafe?”

Because people’s first reactions are usually “oh… isn’t that a little… morbid?” The answer is: it shouldn’t be, and it doesn’t have to be. We are living in a culture that isolates us from death, and discourages healthy conversations about it. That has some real-world impacts on our medical systems, on our end-of-life care, and on our burial customs.

There’s even some – dare I say it – cool things to talk about. Did you know you could have your ashes pressed into a record, over your favourite songs and stories? Or a diamond? Or you can become a tree!

I know that if I become a diamond, I hope I’m involved in some sort of epic heist.

So whether you’re afraid of death (like me!) or totally cool with it (like my co-host!), or just love to talk about anything and everything (like us!), death is a topic that is totally worth chatting about.

The purpose of Death Cafes is to normalize conversations around death.

Of course, I had so much fun designing the banner for this.

PS – In honour of my last-minute and somewhat frantic move, check this out. His captions are hilarious and it’s keeping me sane right now.

PPS – Because my life if so erratic right now, my posting schedule will be all over the place. I may even miss one or two. Please stick with me until things calm down again.

Did you guys know there are dildos with cameras?

***Full disclaimer: this post talks about dildos and vaginas. If you’re not cool with that, I suggest coming back later.***

So my techy sister and I had the following conversation:

A little while later we had this follow-up conversation:

 

PS – I’m really scared of the type of google searches that are going to lead people to this post.

PPS – If you’re here because you were looking for sexy time videos (aka porn), I’m sorry.

 

 

I’ll take that Premium D…

***Bonus post for my other post this week just being me posting about how I can’t post and the posting is f’ked up.***

***I may have just created a blogging black hole. Also, if you followed that, congratulations! You get a sucker.***

***This is that post I was having trouble with, I wanted to add a bunch of Beauty and the Beast GIFS but WordPress won’t let me because they hate me. Or you. Probably you.***

***I’ve since found out that it has something to do with the capabilities of WordPress.org over WordPress.com. I have to import my whole blog over to .org and find hosting and a bunch of other stuff to add GIFS. The moral of the story is no GIFs for you.***

***For now at least. No one knows what the future holds.***

I’ve been pulling some crazy days lately. All my days seem to be 18 hour days, but I’m working on super fun, creative projects so it’s okay.

One of the things I’m doing is launching a Podcast with one of my best friends (I’ll tell you about it soon!) and we actually have an event booked already, which has really put the pressure on our deadlines.

Instead of our weekly meeting last night, we decided to take a break from all the hard work over the last couple of months and go see Beauty and the Beast. It was…

AH-MUH-ZING.

And not just the movie. Or the soundtrack. Which I will be singing for a week.

But the tickets… we sprung for the “Premium D-Box Seats” and could. not. stop. giggling. Because we have the emotional maturity of 12-year-olds. (For those that don’t know, the Premium D seats are the ones that move and shake and shit.)

I didn’t realize the seat could be turned up or down, and for realz, the next time I go I’m going to ‘jack up the intensity of that Premium D’.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! What?!?!?!

I’m fairly certain at this point they didn’t get named Premium D by accident.

What’s your best Premium D pun?

PS – Oh, and it’s Good Friday. Can anyone tell me what resurrection has to do with Easter Eggs, and why do they come from bunnies? It’s like religion was designed to make you stop asking questions. #zombiejesus

PPS –

 

The most glorious sports you will ever see.

Remember when I posted about this comedy gold? Well..

The man. The legend. The commentary. It’s back!

PS – My favourite part was the stretcher that said “Reserved for Sterling”. I’m dying.

I totally got this.

To be clear, I’ve never been a doomsday prepper. But the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves has never seemed more at risk to me (at least during my lifetime). It’s not that I think anything in particular will happen, just that we are skating on some thin cultural ice right now.

I was discussing all this with my sister, and then a couple of days later I came across this article from the New York Times.

So, obvs, sent it to her.

prepping

Clearly, I’m all set.

PS – It might be that I’m crazy like a rich person. The difference is subtle, but substantial. Yet another indicator that I was meant to be born rich but the universe fucked up. You had one job, universe.

PPS – OR it could be subtle signs from the universe that I’m going to be super rich. I’m sorry for being so hard on you a second ago, universe. Please forgive me.

PPPS – Oh shit, what if the universe is going to hold a grudge now and not make me super rich?!

PPPPS – Dammit, I’m probably back where I started.

PPPPPS – Which is not at all totally prepared for the collapse of Western civilization.

Inauguration Drinking Game

I know.
Another Trump post. But this one’s a drinking game. It’s okay.

1-5
Today is a day that many have been waiting for with apprehension. I hear he wrote his speech himself. If you feel like you can’t possibly watch this without being inebriated – I’m here to help. I’ve put together a handy list of Trump’s common words and phrases. It’s Yuge (that’s how Trump says ‘huge’).
Play responsibly. You’re going to get hammered.
RULES: A sentence can only fall into one category at a time. Common phrases trump words (a pun! Did you see it?!), and repetition trumps (again! It’s terrific!) words & phrases.

Common Phrases: 1 Shot

Donald Trump has said…

  • I’m telling you/Let me tell you/I’ll tell you what…
  • Believe me…
  • Make our country/America great again…
  • Just the best…
  • Many people believe…
  • I kid you not…
  • I (or my team/cabinet) am/make the best at/with/for/all other variations…
  • Mark my words…
Every time Trump uses one of the following words you’re going to take one sip of beer/mixed drink. I’ve put together handy examples of how he’s used these words in the past, for your reference. DISCLAIMER: I didn’t use ‘best’ because I don’t want you to die.
 
Winning: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • We don’t win anymore.
  • It will change. We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning.
  • Work hard, be smart and always remember, winning takes care of everything!
Loser: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th
  • (on John McCain) I supported him, he lost, he let us down. But you know, he lost, so I’ve never liked him as much after that, because I don’t like losers…He’s not a war hero…He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.
Tremendous: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • …tremendous waste, fraud and abuse. That we’re taking care of. That we’re taking care of. It’s tremendous.
  • I have to release tremendous amounts of information.
  • I am worth a tremendous amount of money.
Terrific: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on meeting with the Republican National Committee officials) … a terrific meeting.
  • (on Obamacare) Repeal and replace with something terrific.
  • (on newly-elected Muslim London mayor) If he does a good job and frankly if he does a great job, that would be a terrific thing.
Classy: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • I built the Grand Hyatt right next to Grand Central Station – beautiful, classy job – but then the city denied my request to have the top 10 floors illuminated with my face at night. Can you believe that?
Huge/Yuge: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • It’s gonna be huge!
Sad: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • (on Nelson Mandela funeral) What a sad thing that the memory of Nelson Mandela will be stained by the phony sign language moron who is in every picture at [the] funeral!
Smart: 1 sip of beer/mixed drink

Donald Trump has said…

  • Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Steward. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
  • I’m, like, a really smart person.

Now, to counteract some of this, you’re gonna want to take a looooong drink of water every time Trump repeats himself. Following is a handy reference guide.

Repetition: 1 long drink of water

Donald Trump has said…

  • Believe me. You’ll never get bored with winning. You’ll never get bored!
  • I went to an Ivy League school. I’m highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best, but there is no better word than stupid. Right?
  • (on fellow candidates) All of ’em are weak, they’re just weak. Some of them are fine people. But they are weak.
  • We need toughness now. We need toughness.
Happy drinking everyone, and mix your Xanax and alcohol responsibly.
Commenter Submitted:
From Ben’s Bitter Blog, Phrase: “_____________ industry is a billion dollar a year industry.”
PS -If I’ve missed any, please feel free to add them in the comments below!
PPS – On a serious note, I’ve pledged to do an act of kindness today. To help balance it out. At least for me. And tomorrow I’m going to join in a Sister March in my city to the Women’s March on Washington. Consider looking for one in your city if you want to do something to show you are not okay with Trump and all he stands for.
UPDATE:
This is the first thing that made me feel hopeful today, so I wanted to share it too.
hope

Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

bear-213640_960_720

I’m gonna be a millionaire…

Or responsible for the apocalypse.

Let me explain.

So I was at an event and having a lengthy conversation with a person I didn’t actually know. She knew me though. By name. And I am often too polite to ask “Who are you?” so I just pretend my way through the conversation.

Afterwards my friend came up to me and said, “Who was that?”

I don’t know,” I replied. “But she seems nice.”

That’s when we came up with a new invention. It’s like Shazam, an app you launch on your phone that listens to music and then tells you who it’s by, but for faces. You would discreetly launch it and point it at somebody and it would tell you who that person is.

We’re going to call it Whozami.

PS -The apocalypse because dozens of dystopian novels start with this type of software.

PPS – The only drawback is I can’t figure out how to discreetly point it at someone’s face. “Are you taking a picture of me?” “No! Shut up. I mean, just keep talking. Nothing weird happening here. You were talking about Bob from the general store? Can you keep your face still?”

PPPS – This sorta thing might already exist and they’re just not letting us pleebs use it.

PPPPS – The government is ruining my social life.

Just, no.

So I was grocery shopping, and like any person that isn’t totally normal, I often keep packs of oatmeal in my desk drawer.

What? Stop judging me.

I’m just the type of person who sleeps until the last possible minute. And obviously, the last possible minute doesn’t involve getting up in time to eat breakfast, or make lunch.

Or do much of anything except scream, panic, and run out the door.

So I keep emergency food at work.

I use the term “emergency” loosely.

Anyway, I was grocery shopping and I remembered I was out of desk oatmeal so I should pick up more.

And I considered getting a variety pack. So I read the flavours:

oatmeal

Really though.

And let me just say, no one gives a fuck about “Regular.”

 

I named this file "Gross, plain" on my computer. No joke.

I named this file “Gross, plain” on my computer. No joke.

 

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