Ermergerd!

I found a new place! Yay for not being homeless!

Also, it’s gorgeous. Totes gorge, if you will. It’s actually a little too fancy for me. I haven’t figured out how to operate the dishwasher. But honestly? I think that’s the dishwasher’s fault and not mine. When I press buttons the dishwasher refuses to respond in any way that makes sense.

I’m naming the dishwasher Scrooge cause it’s so difficult to work with.

In other moving news, I can finally (almost) fit all books onto one giant bookshelf. IT’S MY NEW FAVOURITE THING. I feel like Belle.Today is also a super exciting day! First – this blog right here was mentioned by CBC. I like that they warned people in advance about my cursing. Fair move, CBC. I feel ya.

The other fun thing happening today is that I have a performance as an introductory storyteller for the internationally award-winning Small Halls festival. It’s crazy, I don’t even know how it happened – but sometimes the universe gives you opportunities and you gotta follow them. I’m excited, and nervous. I’ve been rehearsing HARD, and I think it’s gonna be great. I think when my feet hit that stage, as the great Neil Gaiman and Jenny Lawson say, I’m just going to pretend to be somebody who’s good at it.

I’m IN this!

Wish me luck!

PS – I have helicopter stories, falconry stories, and ‘how Domino’s pretty much saved my life on moving day’ stories coming up for you on the blog roll this summer. Stay tuned!

PPS – If you like this blog, don’t forget to subscribe (you can find that in the sidebar —>) so that I can stalk your inbox keep up with you.

Where am I? What’s happening?

So in addition to a million projects, I’m moving. I don’t have a place to live yet, so send me good vibes. Also? Moving is the worst.

In addition to all that, I have some personal stuff happening that is stressing me out. One of the things that happens to me when I get stressed out is that I get easily confused. And super ADD. I have trouble keeping details straight.

Sometimes this leads to hilarity.

For example, I just thought that it was April but that May was already over.

Figure that one out.

I can’t.

Because that’s not at all how months work.

The good news is that some of my projects are wrapping up, which is good because my focus in GONE right now. I talked to my partner-in-crime for the Death Cafe and that is pretty much taken care of at this point, so it’s one thing off my plate.

I assume you’re wondering, “What the hell is a Death Cafe?”

Because people’s first reactions are usually “oh… isn’t that a little… morbid?” The answer is: it shouldn’t be, and it doesn’t have to be. We are living in a culture that isolates us from death, and discourages healthy conversations about it. That has some real-world impacts on our medical systems, on our end-of-life care, and on our burial customs.

There’s even some – dare I say it – cool things to talk about. Did you know you could have your ashes pressed into a record, over your favourite songs and stories? Or a diamond? Or you can become a tree!

I know that if I become a diamond, I hope I’m involved in some sort of epic heist.

So whether you’re afraid of death (like me!) or totally cool with it (like my co-host!), or just love to talk about anything and everything (like us!), death is a topic that is totally worth chatting about.

The purpose of Death Cafes is to normalize conversations around death.

Of course, I had so much fun designing the banner for this.

PS – In honour of my last-minute and somewhat frantic move, check this out. His captions are hilarious and it’s keeping me sane right now.

PPS – Because my life if so erratic right now, my posting schedule will be all over the place. I may even miss one or two. Please stick with me until things calm down again.

Technical Issues

I’m experiencing some technical issues with my blog – that don’t at all make me want to smash my computer into a thousand tiny pieces that I crunch to dust under the heels of my feet…

…I just realized I would make a terrifying dictator.

Fuck. I’m coming back as soon as I figure this out.

Who else feels like a vaudeville right now?

I’m still here! Juggling too many projects. Be back soon!

On the upside, I’ll have much to tell you. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: WordPress just informed me this was my 100th post…

Well, fuck.

The universe is gaslighting me.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was like “Hey! I was reading this article on gaslighting the other day and I totally think the universe is gaslighting you.”

Because the universe never lets me go long before it starts messing with me. This is one of those times.

Me right now. Source.

Me right now. Source.

I’ve spent the majority of this week in a near-constant state of anxiety. Oddly not due to politics. But thanks to politics at least I have lots of company.

I’ll be back when I don’t feel like an animal chewing it’s foot out of a trap.

Probably next week.

PS – Here are a few comic strips I like to go to for distraction, if like me, you’re needing a little escapism right now:

Gun Show

Sarah’s Scribbles

The Pigeon Gazette

Silence Killed the Dinosaurs (this one’s a comic/blog blend)

Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

bear-213640_960_720

What’s up, Pinterest?

I’M BACK BITCHES!

Sorry for the extended absence. Life got pretty unsettled, but it’s calmed down. For a hot minute (a couple of days) I was working six jobs trying to make ends meet. SIX. Like some kind of masochistic psychopath. They say there’s no jobs. A job recession. Why?

BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE JOBS.

Not anymore though! Now I’m just working one, super-awesome job and making a decent living. Also, they have my same twisted sense of humour. More on that later.

So today I got a notification from Pinterest:

WTF Pinterest?

WTF Pinterest?

What? Why?

Usually Pinterest is like:

“We’ve got new boards for you in tattoos.”

Or,

“We’ve got new boards for you in art.”

Which makes sense, cause I’ve pinned a bunch of those things. But my love affair with Pinterest ended and I pretty much stopped using it. So it’s been awhile since I responded.

And now I think I’ve unsettled Pinterest’s confidence, and it’s just taking stabs in the dark. Like:

“We’ve got recommended boards for you in, oh I don’t know, chicken?”

Get your shit together Pinterest. This is embarrassing for all of us.

 

Comment of the Day:

“Pinterest is really bad a working out what I actually want to see. I pinned one or two things to do with writing amid a bunch of art and books and knitting and other pins, and then it flooded me with ALL THE WRITING AND NOTHING ELSE. And they’re all the really negative articles (“10 mistakes writers make right before they get stabbed on the street by readers who hate them so much they’re willing to go to jail for the rest of their lives just to get rid of the writer and then also the writer goes to hell to be tortured for all eternity because the universe unanimously voted that they deserved it and apparently this overrides the writer’s belief that hell isn’t actually a thing”) that give me super writer’s block. And I can’t seem to re-train Pinterest to just show me art and books and weird nerdy knitting patterns and leave the writing alone.”

This is from Silence Killed the Dinosaurs. If you haven’t read that blog yet, you should. It’s hilarious. And awesome. Hilariously awesome. That’s like the highest level of blogging.

 

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I got an Oscar Award.

Remember a million years ago when I said I was working on a super awesome blog post for you guys? This is it. I’m sorry it took so long. I’m a terrible blogger.


Well… maybe not so much an Oscar Award as a blogger award. But that’s what it feels like so I’m rolling with it.

Starlight Blogger Award

I was nominated for the Starlight Blogger Award by Irish blogger and photographer Steve, who hosts an incredible blog at https://ireland2day.wordpress.com/.  His shots are beautiful, and often accompanied by entertaining stories.  One post of his that I read recently was about an 18th century Gothic castle Irish ruin, ghosts, the IRA, and a banshee.  Seriously, what more can you want?  (Me, I want nothing more.  Except maybe my own castle.  I don’t ask a lot).

Steve put the following questions to me, and although I don’t interview well I’m going to do my best to answer them.

1. If I could change one thing in history what would it be and why?

I don’t believe in changing the past.  The past, our personal histories and our shared communal histories, shape who we are in the present.  If we change something in the past so that it never happened, then we also never had the opportunity to learn from it.  And maybe the lessons we learned were important.

Also, I’m pretty sure that I am unfortunately the type of person that would build a time machine, change the past, and then suddenly my life would become a horrific butterfly effect movie.  Like, I build the time machine but keep it a secret because that kind of power can’t fall into the wrong hands.  Time machines are dangerous things people.  Then I decide to hop in and go back in time to kill Hitler, finally answering that age-old moral dilemma of “If you could kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?”.  So I do.  I save millions of lives making me a hero, but because it never happened no body even knows I’m a hero so it’s also totally noble and humble and shit too.  No way that could go wrong right?

Then, because none of the scientists are working on the atom bomb for World War II and so instead they work on genetically engineering the dinosaurs back to life, so when I get back to the present day history has changed and I get eaten by a raptor.

So no, I wouldn’t change history because I don’t want to get eaten by a raptor.

PS – Seriously, I watched a TedTalk about it.  Scientists are attempting to turn chickens back into raptors.  Apparently, during fetal development they have teeth and claws and a long tail but because of a genetic mutation they get re-absorbed back into the body before the chicken hatches and if they can identify the specific gene sequence for this and turn it off then BAM! A little raptor-chicken hatches.

Raptors are coming people.  It’s just a matter of time.

2. What is something I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared to?

For those of you who have read me for a long time, you know that I grew up in a pretty turbulent way.  So I decided pretty young that I wasn’t going to let fear run my life. In fact, I think that most of the things worth doing are downright terrifying.  So if you are afraid, it’s probably an indication that you are on the right path.

For example, before I started this blog I was afraid that people would think that I was ridiculous for doing it.  That my silly little stories were pointless.  I was afraid that no one would care what I had to say, and that I would feel lost in a vast sea of internet voices, all vying to be heard over one another.  If I’m being totally honest, sometimes this still frightens me.  I think that’s one of the reasons I still hesitate to tell people I have a blog, and why I’m so terrible at self-promoting.

It’s also one of the reasons I was so pumped to get this nomination.  It’s another shield I can throw up against the voice in my head that says “you can’t” when it starts to get too loud.  This is why I think it’s so important to support our fellow bloggers and artists.

Even after I started the blog, I was terrified right before I hit ‘publish’ on the posts about my mother’s suicide.  I wasn’t sure I was ready to be so openly vulnerable, and to throw that vulnerability out into the world.  But I watched a Neil Gaiman video shortly beforehand that said something to the effect of “if you feel like you are stripping down naked and walking down a busy street, then you are probably creating something worthwhile”.  And so rather than turn away from all the things that frightened me I took a deep breath and reached out a hand to my fear so that we could move forward together, whatever that might mean.  I think that on my deathbed I’ll regret not the things I did nor the mistakes I made, but the things I was too afraid to do.  I try to remind myself of that when I feel like fear is getting the better of me.

I guess I should actually answer your question though.  I warned you that I was terrible at interviews.  I’m a rambler.  I’m doing it again.

Once, when I was 7 or 8 at Canada’s Wonderland I was too afraid to ride this roller-coaster that you stood up in, rather than sit down.  I loved roller-coasters, the feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you get just as you begin to drop down over the lip.  I would later realize that this feeling is a lot like the feeling you get when you fall in love.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons they call it ‘falling’ in love.

Anyway, when I got in this one roller-coaster I was standing in the seat and the bars didn’t quite fit down over my shoulders and suddenly I was terrified.  Gut-clenching afraid.

So I got off, to the laughter of the kids behind me.  If I ever go back there, I’m totally gonna make that roller coaster my bitch.

3.Is your blog your way of telling people that you have much more to say, than you actually do with the people you actually know, and why do you think that is?

No, I never shut up.  I love telling stories, both in person and in written form.  It’s a fault really.

It’s an incredible wonderful thing when you put a piece of your heart into a project and someone recognizes that effort even in the smallest of ways, so I’d like to say thanks again to ireland2day for the nomination.

This award is to highlight and promote inspiring bloggers.

 In keeping with the rules of accepting the award I will not nominate some awesome bloggers myself. And my nominees are:

http://bensbitterblog.com/ Ben is bitter, but in the best possible way.  Check out his post about The Bitter Ecosystem – it’s brilliant. Do you have your very own bitter ecosystem? Most definitely. Check him out to find out what it is!

https://theyourefineblog.wordpress.com Jessie can only be described as a meme-a-licious blogger from Southern California. Check out her hilarious recent post about running a marathon, Hey Guys, I Didn’t Puke! Just don’t give her any jellybeans.

http://fitsofwit.com/ Jamie is a very funny lady, there’s no denying it. She recently volunteered to be one of Hugh Heifner’s “average looking models”.  We are all anxiously awaiting his response.

https://silencekilledthedinosaurs.wordpress.com/ is an Australian blogger who is both funny AND draws you awesome pictures on her blog.  As she puts it, you should “follow her instead of the yellow brick road because Glinda is just using you”.  She’s also wise, that one. Unfortunately, she also suffers from spider-induced PTSD. What is that you ask? Do you have it too? You’ll need to read to find out. (Hint: If you’ve considered setting fire to your bed, the answer is probably yes).

https://athenasantics.wordpress.com/ Athena writes so that “her thoughts don’t spill out and inflict the innocent people in her life, and the internet seems well equipped to handle this sort of thing”. She’s got it wrong, because trust me, you want to be inflicted by her thoughts. In this post about forgetting her birthday, she let us know that if you ever feel lonely you should remember that the curiosity (a robot on mars) is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year. This is the kind of information that you need more of in your life.

https://whitegirlsbelike.wordpress.com/ Alanna just wrote a post about things that white girls like, despite her blog name. Obviously, pumpkin-spice was involved. Having just written a pumpkin-spice madness post myself, I feel a certain “in the foxhole” kinship with her. She very funny, go read her right now.


 

Here are the rules for the Starlight Blogger Award: 1. Thank the giver and link their Blog to your post. 2. Answer the 3 questions given to you*. 3. Please Pass the award on to 6 or more other Bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated by you. 4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your Blog please never alter the logo and never change the rules.

I’m going to stick with the same questions except that I am going to replace question #3 with “What is your zombie apocalypse survival plan?”  (No word of lie, this is one of my icebreaker questions).

There are two kinds of people…

So you know how last week I was all “I’ve got a super long awesome post coming your way next week”?

I STILL have not had time to finish it.  I’m pretty much the worst blogger ever.  Well maybe not the WORST WORST ever. Anyway, the moral of the story is I’m sorry. And the post IS coming. Soon.

Remember a month ago when I posted about looking for work and being mildly terrified of impending homelessness? Well that very day I got not one but TWO jobs, and I’m currently fielding an offer from a third.  It was no jobs, then all the jobs. Life is funny that way.

Well, for one of the jobs I have to get up at 3:30 a.m.

AM.

A. M.

When I tell you that I am not a morning person, I would like to stress that I mean that with all my heart. There are 5 alarms on my phone set at 10 minute intervals, and I’m still paranoid about sleeping in, and that’s when I have to get up at 8 a.m. I’m not cranky in the morning or anything, it’s just as soon as I’m asleep that becomes the most important thing in the world. My house could be burning down and I’d be like “Meh. The dream I was having was really good. I’m just gonna go back to sleep.”

Of course when they offered me the job they asked if I would mind the 5 a.m. start time, and because I didn’t want to be homeless I was all like “Sure! *perky* *perky* No problem!” but I left out the part where I have never seen 5 a.m., let alone 3:30 a.m. in the morning in my whole entire life unless I was still up drinking from the night before.

The last month of my life has been pretty interesting. I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME while I adjust to this ludicrousness and I have yet to sleep for more than 5 consecutive hours at a time (normally I sleep for like 9 hours) since taking the position.  Plus with the second job three days of my week are 14 hour days.

When I get up for work in the morning even my cat looks at me like “What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s the middle of the night. The whole world is sleeping. You’ve lost your goddamned mind.”

Thankfully I’m only filling a leave so I only have to keep this pace up for another 5 months, and I am slowly starting to adjust.

So. I’m sorry. I love you. Please stick with me through this.

There+are+two+kind+of+people

I think we’ve established which one I am.

 

 

I honestly have no idea what this blog’s going to be about.

So I’m sitting on my friend’s deck and having a few drinks, as I find myself doing more often that I care to admit, and we’re discussing my blog.  Yes, this very blog right here.

She asks me: “What’s your first post going to be about?”

I’d been asking myself this question too.  One of the reasons I started this blog was that recently, my mother committed suicide.  It’s been hard to deal with, and I thought that occasionally writing about it could be therapeutic.  But I also just really like telling funny stories, so I thought I might also talk about that time I duct-taped paper towel into my shoes in an attempt to build arch support into them.  I told her as such.

She immediately burst out laughing.  “So… your first post is either going to be about your mother’s suicide or about the importance of good footwear?!”

Yup.