Ermergerd!

I found a new place! Yay for not being homeless!

Also, it’s gorgeous. Totes gorge, if you will. It’s actually a little too fancy for me. I haven’t figured out how to operate the dishwasher. But honestly? I think that’s the dishwasher’s fault and not mine. When I press buttons the dishwasher refuses to respond in any way that makes sense.

I’m naming the dishwasher Scrooge cause it’s so difficult to work with.

In other moving news, I can finally (almost) fit all books onto one giant bookshelf. IT’S MY NEW FAVOURITE THING. I feel like Belle.Today is also a super exciting day! First – this blog right here was mentioned by CBC. I like that they warned people in advance about my cursing. Fair move, CBC. I feel ya.

The other fun thing happening today is that I have a performance as an introductory storyteller for the internationally award-winning Small Halls festival. It’s crazy, I don’t even know how it happened – but sometimes the universe gives you opportunities and you gotta follow them. I’m excited, and nervous. I’ve been rehearsing HARD, and I think it’s gonna be great. I think when my feet hit that stage, as the great Neil Gaiman and Jenny Lawson say, I’m just going to pretend to be somebody who’s good at it.

I’m IN this!

Wish me luck!

PS – I have helicopter stories, falconry stories, and ‘how Domino’s pretty much saved my life on moving day’ stories coming up for you on the blog roll this summer. Stay tuned!

PPS – If you like this blog, don’t forget to subscribe (you can find that in the sidebar —>) so that I can stalk your inbox keep up with you.

A Podcast Story – Pt. 1

OMG – things are happening! Slowly, and piece by piece, but they’re happening.

You know how I’ve mentioned that I’m launching a Podcast, right?

Here’s the logo:

Our tagline is: “Completely unsolicited life advice from two thirty-somethings who have no idea what’s going on…”

And this is the icon:

You can find the website here. It tells you what this is all going to be about. Please let me know if I’m missing something or if you are left with unanswered questions. It’s just a temporary landing site – something prettier will be developed down the road.

We even have business cards…

Business cards make it totally seem like I know what I’m doing right? Right?!?!

And our Facebook just went live. Like, 30 seconds ago. Please like it so I don’t feel like a loser.

My life is still a circus and I may be homeless come the 1st of June cause I haven’t found a new place yet. So send me good vibes please!

Did you guys know there are dildos with cameras?

***Full disclaimer: this post talks about dildos and vaginas. If you’re not cool with that, I suggest coming back later.***

So my techy sister and I had the following conversation:

A little while later we had this follow-up conversation:

 

PS – I’m really scared of the type of google searches that are going to lead people to this post.

PPS – If you’re here because you were looking for sexy time videos (aka porn), I’m sorry.

 

 

I’ll take that Premium D…

***Bonus post for my other post this week just being me posting about how I can’t post and the posting is f’ked up.***

***I may have just created a blogging black hole. Also, if you followed that, congratulations! You get a sucker.***

***This is that post I was having trouble with, I wanted to add a bunch of Beauty and the Beast GIFS but WordPress won’t let me because they hate me. Or you. Probably you.***

***I’ve since found out that it has something to do with the capabilities of WordPress.org over WordPress.com. I have to import my whole blog over to .org and find hosting and a bunch of other stuff to add GIFS. The moral of the story is no GIFs for you.***

***For now at least. No one knows what the future holds.***

I’ve been pulling some crazy days lately. All my days seem to be 18 hour days, but I’m working on super fun, creative projects so it’s okay.

One of the things I’m doing is launching a Podcast with one of my best friends (I’ll tell you about it soon!) and we actually have an event booked already, which has really put the pressure on our deadlines.

Instead of our weekly meeting last night, we decided to take a break from all the hard work over the last couple of months and go see Beauty and the Beast. It was…

AH-MUH-ZING.

And not just the movie. Or the soundtrack. Which I will be singing for a week.

But the tickets… we sprung for the “Premium D-Box Seats” and could. not. stop. giggling. Because we have the emotional maturity of 12-year-olds. (For those that don’t know, the Premium D seats are the ones that move and shake and shit.)

I didn’t realize the seat could be turned up or down, and for realz, the next time I go I’m going to ‘jack up the intensity of that Premium D’.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! What?!?!?!

I’m fairly certain at this point they didn’t get named Premium D by accident.

What’s your best Premium D pun?

PS – Oh, and it’s Good Friday. Can anyone tell me what resurrection has to do with Easter Eggs, and why do they come from bunnies? It’s like religion was designed to make you stop asking questions. #zombiejesus

PPS –

 

Who else feels like a vaudeville right now?

I’m still here! Juggling too many projects. Be back soon!

On the upside, I’ll have much to tell you. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: WordPress just informed me this was my 100th post…

Well, fuck.

I don’t know how to Ad.

I had some things recently that I needed to sell, but because I rarely take things seriously I thought I’d try and make myself laugh along the way.

Seriously, it’s constantly funny to me that I’m allowed to be in charge of my own life.

PS – I totally sold the dresser. Nobody wants the futon cause futon’s are terrible.

Really, not helpful.

I have a tendency to write random notes or thoughts, especially at work, and especially during phone calls or conversations. Usually these thoughts and observations get transcribed onto sticky notes. I run my life on stickies.

These stickies, however, aren’t always useful.

A prime example of this is a post-it note I found at work:

‘Not engaging’ seems like a pretty important note.

I vaguely remember writing this as a reaction to something (a project, maybe?) that I reviewed, but beyond that I got nothing.

So I updated the sticky with a little “note to self”.

PS – Isn’t it truly shocking that “young professional” is a descriptor for me?

I totally got this.

To be clear, I’ve never been a doomsday prepper. But the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves has never seemed more at risk to me (at least during my lifetime). It’s not that I think anything in particular will happen, just that we are skating on some thin cultural ice right now.

I was discussing all this with my sister, and then a couple of days later I came across this article from the New York Times.

So, obvs, sent it to her.

Clearly, I’m all set.

PS – It might be that I’m crazy like a rich person. The difference is subtle, but substantial. Yet another indicator that I was meant to be born rich but the universe fucked up. You had one job, universe.

PPS – OR it could be subtle signs from the universe that I’m going to be super rich. I’m sorry for being so hard on you a second ago, universe. Please forgive me.

PPPS – Oh shit, what if the universe is going to hold a grudge now and not make me super rich?!

PPPPS – Dammit, I’m probably back where I started.

PPPPPS – Which is not at all totally prepared for the collapse of Western civilization.

Technology is dumb.

I only say that because my computer is throwing tantrums like a toddler and not working right now. So I don’t have a complete post, but I sent this in an email recently and found myself hilarious, so wanted to share.

I love that you’re a fellow Canadian and totally get it! I’m drinking copious amounts of rum in an effort to deal with winter. My doctor says that that’s not how “coping” works but we agreed to disagree. Well, I agreed to disagree. She gave me an AA flyer.

FULL DISCLOSURE: None of that really happened. I just like to be dramatic. But it is winter here. And it’s terrible.

I’m gonna be a millionaire…

Or responsible for the apocalypse.

Let me explain.

So I was at an event and having a lengthy conversation with a person I didn’t actually know. She knew me though. By name. And I am often too polite to ask “Who are you?” so I just pretend my way through the conversation.

Afterwards my friend came up to me and said, “Who was that?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “But she seems nice.”

That’s when we came up with a new invention. It’s like Shazam, an app you launch on your phone that listens to music and then tells you who it’s by, but for faces. You would discreetly launch it and point it at somebody and it would tell you who that person is.

We’re going to call it Whozami.

PS -The apocalypse because dozens of dystopian novels start with this type of software.

PPS – The only drawback is I can’t figure out how to discreetly point it at someone’s face. “Are you taking a picture of me?” “No! Shut up. I mean, just keep talking. Nothing weird happening here. You were talking about Bob from the general store? Can you keep your face still?”

PPPS – This sorta thing might already exist and they’re just not letting us pleebs use it.

PPPPS – The government is ruining my social life.