Pretty sure smiley faces cancel out murder threats.

So my roommate moves in today. In one of the first conversations we’ve had, I already threatened to murder him in his sleep.

I feel like this is going to go well.

In my defense though – he was bragging about his kick-ass metabolism and never gaining any weight and that’s like begging to be murdered by women everywhere.

Proof (I’m in green):

PS – I’m pretty sure if they tried me in court, I would get off because it’s ‘baited murder’.

PPS – I’ll admit that’s probably not the correct term because I know nothing about the legal system and also I’m too lazy to google it.

PPPS – And also a little afraid to google it, because that would probably look really weird on my search history at work.

PPPPS – I thought about easing him into my sense of humour, but then I decided to just hit him in the face with it right off the bat. Like throwing a child into the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim.

PPPPPS – Which is a terrible way to teach children how to swim.

PPPPPPS – #ThatsRightMomImLookingAtYou

PPPPPPPS – Although I am an excellent swimmer now.

PPPPPPPPS – Did I mention the roommate can’t swim? Perhaps I’ll shove him in a pool. Because I like helping people.

PPPPPPPPPS – Actually, that would be a great way to murder him. Cause y’know, no evidence. Ruled as ‘accidental drowning’. That whole legal system term debate is moot now.

PPPPPPPPPPS – Well that wrapped up nicely.

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