So my roommate moves in today. In one of the first conversations we’ve had, I already threatened to murder him in his sleep.
I feel like this is going to go well.
In my defense though – he was bragging about his kick-ass metabolism and never gaining any weight and that’s like begging to be murdered by women everywhere.
Proof (I’m in green):
PS – I’m pretty sure if they tried me in court, I would get off because it’s ‘baited murder’.
PPS – I’ll admit that’s probably not the correct term because I know nothing about the legal system and also I’m too lazy to google it.
PPPS – And also a little afraid to google it, because that would probably look really weird on my search history at work.
PPPPS – I thought about easing him into my sense of humour, but then I decided to just hit him in the face with it right off the bat. Like throwing a child into the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim.
PPPPPS – Which is a terrible way to teach children how to swim.
PPPPPPS – #ThatsRightMomImLookingAtYou
PPPPPPPS – Although I am an excellent swimmer now.
PPPPPPPPS – Did I mention the roommate can’t swim? Perhaps I’ll shove him in a pool. Because I like helping people.
PPPPPPPPPS – Actually, that would be a great way to murder him. Cause y’know, no evidence. Ruled as ‘accidental drowning’. That whole legal system term debate is moot now.
PPPPPPPPPPS – Well that wrapped up nicely.
I will absolutely defend you in court. And help hide the body.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You, my friend, are a girl after my own heart! (Hide-the-body friends are the best type of friends!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
mee too! me too! call me! i need practice in hiding bodies!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ok, we’re officially calling you up to bat. Consider yourself part of the team!
The slightly twisted, depraved team. Lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to have metabolism like that too. Until I didn’t. One day I was sitting on a couch, eating some McDonald’s and my stomach hurt. Not from the food, but from sitting down and I realized, that was my belly growing bigger right before my eyes. It was then that I realized my metabolism, like me, stopped working. His day will come, and when they happens, we won’t see it. Because you murdered him. Time to search for a new one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! It feels like this whole ‘roommate’ adventure is going to turn into a Dexter-like situation. All this time I was worried about finding a good roommate, turns out I’m the terrible one. At least I know myself better though. That’s the important thing, right? ;-P
LikeLike
Just because you want to murder someone all of a sudden you are the bad girl? What’s that all about? Next thing you’re gonna say that just because I like to rob people of their most valuable possessions just so I can sell them for video games I’m the bad guy?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, you couldn’t possibly be the bad guy so…
I guess that means we’re good people?!?!
LikeLike
Precisely. It’s the rest of the planet that is bad.
LikeLiked by 1 person