Sometimes my humour is lost on people.

Before I went on my trip I let all of my groceries deplete and thus didn’t have very much in the house upon my return. I only had a bagel this morning in the midst of an 18-hour day, so I finally caved and walked my ass to the grocery store.

I was hangry before this adventure started.

They say it’s never a good idea to grocery shop hungry but I needed all the things anyway so I just decided I’d restock my cupboards, and cab it home because I don’t have a car. I planned on getting too many things to carry home. I was not off to a good start.

I spent waaay too much money, at the checkout I was like “oops” but I was too far up in that b*tch to turn back so I just rolled with it.

Then I ingeniously decide to save $10 bucks by walking home and carrying all my things. Seriously, one of my arms isn’t bending and I lift stuff all day at work.

If you ask me why I insist on making things complicated, the honest answer is… I truly have no idea.

Ok, so that’s the backstory.

I get home and I’m unpacking my groceries and the poor teenage checkout girl packed my bread in with my 2-liter almond milk and it’s all smushy.

I was like: “Nope. I do not accept this.”

So I called the store, explained the situation and was transferred to a manager.

This is exactly how I described it to him:

“Okay, so I just went through one of your checkout lines and the girl packed my bread with my almond milk and now it’s all smushy. I mean, it’s probably not a big deal and I might just be hangry but it’s like two normal loaves of bread got together and had a 2-generation mutated radiation bread baby.”

Nothing.

No reaction at all.

In the way that he just reacted completely normally, saying “Oh no! That’s not very good, I’m sorry to hear that – you know, I’m off really soon and I can drop you off more bread?”

Perhaps it just takes a while for the awesomeness of that sentence to sink in?

(I swear for all you Americans, the whole super sweet thing and offer to bring more bread is a totally normal Canadian thing. We’re insanely nice. Mostly.)

Sidenote – While looking up pictures of bread to include with this post I stumbled across this one and I just had to share:


I think it’s awesome cause he reminds me of a tiny little Jurassic Park dinosaur fossil and that gives me fond memories of my childhood.

But it also makes me sad because he’s probably dead (I say probably because I’m an optimist) and the animal kingdom doesn’t have a version of that 10,000 Ways To Die show because they don’t have TVs so his bizarre death can’t even make him famous to all his lizard friends.

PS – Smushy is a word now. Say it. It’s fun.

PPS – I declined his offer to bring me bread. Seemed like overkill.

PPPS – Also, I’m so sorry that I just told you a story about bread.

PPPPS – Unless it’s the most hilarious story about bread that you’ve ever read. The bar’s gotta be set pretty low there.

PPPPPS – In that case, you’re welcome.

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8 thoughts on “Sometimes my humour is lost on people.

  1. I feel very much akin to you, no one understands my humour either. And I’m usually stuck trying to fit my enormous foot into my even bigger mouth. Sometimes people say that I should spend some more time getting to know my audience but I’m all like “YO FUCK THAT” and naturally, I ostracize myself. Whoops. Luh u.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m a believer of the philosophy “your audience will find you”. It’s very similar to the “build it and they will come” philosophy.

      The theory works like this: you spout whatever nonsense you like, somewhere out there someone will hear it and think to themselves “that sounds good! I’m gonna go over there and listen some more.”

      It’s how I assume Scientology got supporters. And Trump.

      And if THEY got support, my audience will find me.

      Cause my nonsense HAS TO BE better than theirs.

      ;-P

      Like

  2. It kind of looks like the lizard was running really fast and unexpectedly hit the bread with it’s arms and legs out, cartoon style. It makes me sad that he’s probably dead, so I’m going to imagine it’s a freeze frame from a cartoon,and that he will peel off, float to the ground like a piece of paper and then puff out to normal lizard shape and continue on with whatever cartoon hijinks led him to run into the bread in the first place.

    Like

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