Dear Self-Checkout Machine,
I hate you.
I have seriously not eaten in 12 hours, I have half an hour for my lunch, and if you tell me one more time that I must “please place the item in the bag” because it is too light to register on the scale, I am going to set you on fire.
I’m not kidding. I even have the gangsta rap song on my phone from that scene in Office Space, where they destroy another piece of useless equipment just like you, and I’m going to play it while you burn.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the clip (warning, NSFW):
I already waited for the lady in front of me to check out eleventy million things, and yes that’s a real number, and then very patiently waited while she paid in all change.
You see, I used up all my patience on her already.
Oh you did NOT just move from “please place item in the bag” to “unexpected item in bagging area”?!?!
It’s like you WANT me to douse you in gasoline and strike the match…
What? You don’t recognize the barcode? Let me scroll through EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM. in the grocery store to find it. Sure, no problem. I’m not hangry or anything.
Why aren’t you giving me the discount on the thing I’m only buying because it’s on sale? WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD?!
Why are you calling the attendant? We don’t need an attendant. We’re getting along fine. That’s definitely not just gasoline you scanned through, in the technology version of making you dig your own grave.
But in all fairness, you started this game of psychological warfare.
__________
PS – In a totally unrelated matter, I need bail money.
PPS – There was an incident at the grocery store.
PPPS – Ok, fine Sherlock, it’s related.
PPPPS – I’m sorry. That was snippy. Please still bring the bail money.
PPPPPS – If for some reason you have not seen Office Space, please drop whatever you’re doing and watch it now. It will be worth it, I promise.
Stories from the far side of normal 
this blog/post topic speeks/relates to me ’cause I am possibly the only person in my town who consistently also can’t ‘satisfactorily’ use the self-checkout. and yes, the “place your bag on the whatever” is usually when the death-spiral starts. and if you bring your own bag? I too will help provide the gasoline for the ritualistick masheen-slaughter ~
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Thank you! They can’t stop us if we rise up in groups! Down with the machines!
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Thank you for following me and I love how creative you are and the wonderful posts. I’ll be back to read more of it!!
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Thank you Kally!
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You would think that those things would be a little smarter by now. Within my hand, I have a think called a smart phone that allows me to get information all across the world and your self-scanning machine can’t even detect if an item is in the bag. Sounds like as soon as Sophia is done burning you down, the Matrix will integrate you into Blockbuster Graveyard. Oh and I’ll be there in a few minutes with the bail money. Do they take credit cards or almost winning lottery tickets?
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This might be my favourite comment of all time! That Matrix will integrate you into Blockbuster Graveyard is pure gold. Also, I checked and they’ll take the credit card but not the almost winning lottery ticket because as government drones they have no imagination. Figures.
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Well, I hope they got my credit card and you are safely back in your home having a Blockbuster night. If not, ask the guards if you can have the steak from the Matrix. It might just be a bunch of 1’s and 0’s, but it will taste just like a good steak.
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Don’t lie to me, it tastes just like binary code always tastes. Dry.
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How could you tell I was lying? Is it the shifty eyes or the uncomfortable hand wringing? Or was it that deja vu of the cat that just walking by a second ago.
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It was the cat.
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That why I hate cats, they are such traitors and back stabbers…uh face scratchers.
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Don’t hate on cats too much – the Internet will rise up against you.
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I know. That is why I have avoided the actual subject on my blog. More controversial than politics.
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#preach
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I was/am trying to weazzle my weigh into this line of dis/un/maybe-reasoning and the cat has just started to knock wooden statues off the shelf (no kidding!)
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Ha! That’s hilarious because we discuss the untrustworthiness of cats later in this post. Your cat must have sensed it coming with his evil third eye and thwarted you in advance.
Just another example of why they can’t be trusted! ;-P
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