We’ve all seen movies. If you haven’t you need to contact me – just because I need to know how you’ve managed that incredible feat WHILE READING A BLOG ON THE INTERNET (which happens to have a plethora of movie-streaming sites). That would be mind-boggling and I. Need. To. Know. About. It.
Seriously, I have a Netflix addiction and I feel like that person would have some tips for me.
Wow, I get off topic FAST. Anyway… movies. If we’ve all seen movies then we’ve all seen movie sex scenes and I think we can all agree that they set some unrealistic expectations. Like shower sex being not at all dangerous. Or rolling gracefully from position-to-position without anything slipping out of place. There are many examples of this and pointing them out is a time-honored tradition. I’d like to add my own little item to the list.
It really bothers me how often in TV or movie sex when two hotter-than-conceivably-possible people are about to get down and dirty that the guy just rips open a girl’s blouse.
You know the scene I’m talking about. He picks up the leading lady and they slam into a couple walls together without breaking lip contact and inevitably she ends up sitting provocatively on the edge of a dresser with her legs wrapped around his waist and he drags his face away from hers to stare headily into her eyes for a second before ripping open the front of her ‘conveniently-buttoned-from-top-to-bottom’ blouse.
[Side note: I think I just won an award for longest-sentence-ever, with a follow-up award of longest-sentence-ever-followed-by-shortest-sentence-ever. Somebody get me a trophy. Or two.]
As if by some sex-exemption-to-reality magic, none of the buttons get ripped off in this maneuver. It’s like all movie guys are ALSO magicians. Or in rarer cases still, all the buttons come flying off everywhere but for some reason in movieland this is considered sexy.
Like, blouses don’t grow on trees, script writers.
If that happened to me in real life I’d just immediately be like “What the hell? That shirt cost me $80! (well, maybe not my blouses specifically because I’m somehow always super-broke but TV blouses are reeeaally nice). Are YOU gonna reimburse me for that?!”.
Then he’d be all “Jeez, can’t you just go with it? You’re such a buzzkill”.
Then I’d be all “Way to ignore everything I just said, as usual. I work really hard you know, and I like to reward myself with nice clothes. They don’t say ‘dress for success’ just because it rhymes. Right?! RIGHT?! I’m right.”.
Then he’d probably say something like “Oh my god, here we go again. Would you stop if I just give you the $80? Cause I’ll give you $80 right now if we can stop having this conversation. Seriously. I have the cash.”
And of course I would retort “You’re totally missing the point! And just so you know I got stabbed with a stiletto over that particular blouse at a March madness clearance sale. It cannot be replaced… I will take that $80 though.”
He’d finally cave, because you have to agree with the person who got stabbed. It’s a rule. They’ve sacrificed enough.
Him: “Ok, ok! I’m sorry. I won’t rip anymore of your clothes off.”
Me: “That’s all I wanted in the first place. And $80.”
Him: “Speaking of ripping your clothes off…”
Me: “Nope, the mood’s gone. Let’s just go to bed.”
And this is why all my daydreams suck.
PS – If I’m testing out a blouse in the dressing room of a store and I give it the ol’ movie-rip-test and it fails, does that mean I have to buy it? Cause I think it doesn’t. Someone try it out and let me now.
So what’s YOUR big-screen-sex-scene pet peeve?