A Real-Life Big Screen Sex Scene

Lovers2We’ve all seen movies.  If you haven’t you need to contact me – just because I need to know how you’ve managed that incredible feat WHILE READING A BLOG ON THE INTERNET (which happens to have a plethora of movie-streaming sites).  That would be mind-boggling and I. Need. To. Know. About. It.

Seriously, I have a Netflix addiction and I feel like that person would have some tips for me.

Wow, I get off topic FAST.  Anyway… movies.  If we’ve all seen movies then we’ve all seen movie sex scenes and I think we can all agree that they set some unrealistic expectations.  Like shower sex being not at all dangerous.  Or rolling gracefully from position-to-position without anything slipping out of place.  There are many examples of this and pointing them out is a time-honored tradition.  I’d like to add my own little item to the list.

It really bothers me how often in TV or movie sex when two hotter-than-conceivably-possible people are about to get down and dirty that the guy just rips open a girl’s blouse.

You know the scene I’m talking about.  He picks up the leading lady and they slam into a couple walls together without breaking lip contact and inevitably she ends up sitting provocatively on the edge of a dresser with her legs wrapped around his waist and he drags his face away from hers to stare headily into her eyes for a second before ripping open the front of her ‘conveniently-buttoned-from-top-to-bottom’ blouse.

Right.

[Side note: I think I just won an award for longest-sentence-ever, with a follow-up award of longest-sentence-ever-followed-by-shortest-sentence-ever.  Somebody get me a trophy. Or two.]

As if by some sex-exemption-to-reality magic, none of the buttons get ripped off in this maneuver.  It’s like all movie guys are ALSO magicians.  Or in rarer cases still, all the buttons come flying off everywhere but for some reason in movieland this is considered sexy.

Like, blouses don’t grow on trees, script writers.

If that happened to me in real life I’d just immediately be like “What the hell?  That shirt cost me $80! (well, maybe not my blouses specifically because I’m somehow always super-broke but TV blouses are reeeaally nice).  Are YOU gonna reimburse me for that?!”.

Then he’d be all “Jeez, can’t you just go with it? You’re such a buzzkill”.

Then I’d be all “Way to ignore everything I just said, as usual.  I work really hard you know, and I like to reward myself with nice clothes. They don’t say ‘dress for success’ just because it rhymes. Right?!  RIGHT?!  I’m right.”.

Then he’d probably say something like “Oh my god, here we go again.  Would you stop if I just give you the $80? Cause I’ll give you $80 right now if we can stop having this conversation. Seriously. I have the cash.”

And of course I would retort “You’re totally missing the point! And just so you know I got stabbed with a stiletto over that particular blouse at a March madness clearance sale.  It cannot be replaced… I will take that $80 though.”

He’d finally cave, because you have to agree with the person who got stabbed.  It’s a rule. They’ve sacrificed enough.

Him: “Ok, ok!  I’m sorry.  I won’t rip anymore of your clothes off.”

Me: “That’s all I wanted in the first place.  And $80.”

Him: “Speaking of ripping your clothes off…”

Me:  “Nope, the mood’s gone.  Let’s just go to bed.”

And this is why all my daydreams suck.

PS – If I’m testing out a blouse in the dressing room of a store and I give it the ol’ movie-rip-test and it fails, does that mean I have to buy it?  Cause I think it doesn’t.  Someone try it out and let me now.

So what’s YOUR big-screen-sex-scene pet peeve?

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16 thoughts on “A Real-Life Big Screen Sex Scene

  1. I constantly wonder how they do scenes where the actors definitely look totally naked and are rubbing up against one another and how that doesn’t just end up being sex? Also, are they wearing anything?? It tears my brain apart.

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  2. Ugh. Movie sex is super annoying. They do everything perfectly, but reality is usually at least a little bit awkward. As someone who tends to get my head stuck when taking off T-shirts, I feel very under-represented on the big screen. But my major pet peeve (which mostly applies to American sit-coms) is that the participants always seem to be wearing way too much clothing. Like, they roll off each other and they’re wearing underwear bottoms. HOW DID YOU PHYSICALLY DO WHAT THE TV IS IMPLYING YOU JUST DID, SIT-COM PEOPLE? It annoys me more than unlikely TV explosions.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Of course I knew! Me and my son were at the grocery and we were looking at the massive amount of Oreo’s and I just wanted to take all of them home with me. The best is getting double stuff and crunching off the two lids and making quad stuff. There is nothing better!
    I have awarded myself the ribbon of course.
    I’m sorry that I caused your shoe abuse nightmares. Let us never speak of this again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ummmmmmmm… I want that ribbon. Bad.

      It sums up 90% of my work life perfectly. I will graciously accept this link in lieu of a physical trophy, because of it’s sheer awesomeness. I will now commence with the obligatory thank you speech.

      “Firstly, I would thank to Ben’s Bitter Blog for awarding fabulously. I would also like to thank God, only because I got a threatening letter stating that every acceptance speech must thank God at least once. I would also like to thank Oreo’s, for always being there for me through the hard times. Oreo’s: I love you. Never change.

      Lastly, but most importantly, I would like to thank movies everywhere for setting unrealistic expectations without fail.

      And also Oreo’s just one last time.”

      And to address your very last comment, as a lover of clothes and all things fashion-related, it is not very nice to rip clothes and I will cut anyone who tries it.

      (you should maybe start collecting a bail fund for me now).

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      • Yeah, its such a fantastic ribbon that I instagrammed it. It my favorite one of all time, because I hate meetings with a passion and that describes every single one ever.
        Also best speech ever, except you left out the ugly cry. Then it would have been complete. All you have to do is think about all Oreos have done for you, and the tears will flow. Though I do think Oreos should change. We should accept them in all their varieties. Double Stuff, Halloween Oreos, Christmas Oreos, with black and white, heck we should even accept the red velvet kinds. They all mean so much to us.
        And yeah, guys should know how much clothes mean to the ladies. You might as well take off their shoes and throw them across the room as rip a shirt. Just place all the clothes nicely.

        Liked by 1 person

        • DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE PUMPKIN-SPICE OREOS??!!!

          Sorry, I get real excited about oreos.

          I think that means you need that ribbon in your life. For real.

          And I think you can throw around some clothes in the heat of the moment, but never cause permanent damage. That’s just wrong.

          Also, I’m going to have abused-shoe nightmares tonight.

          Like

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