Toronto Trip – Part Two

Part two – The airplane.

If you missed out on part one you can find it here. Because I still didn’t feel like reading on the plane – I decided to do a complete stream-of-conscious post for you guys.  You’re welcome.  Or I’m sorry.  Definitely one of those things.

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Where’s my seat? What did I do with my ticket? Oh – it’s right here. An aisle? At least there’s room in the overhead for my bag.

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I wonder if the guy next to me with the window seat will switch with me? Should I ask? No, that’s weird.

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But I really wanna ask.  Maybe he doesn’t care if he sits in the window seat.  Maybe he prefers the aisle.

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Then he would have asked for an aisle. Duh. Don’t ask him.

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I am basically an overgrown child.

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There’s a completely empty row right there in first class. What’s the difference? Their seats look exactly the same as ours. They don’t even have a curtain.

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Worst. First. Class. Ever.

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“Excuse me miss? This plane seems kind of empty and I’m just wondering if there’s a window seat available, can I switch?”

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She was the sweetest thing and immediately went “I’m sure we can find you one! Just let me take a look.” Then she lead me to an empty emergency escape row so I had a window seat AND extra leg-room.  Then she proceed to explain the procedure for opening the hatch in an emergency and I probably look crazy because I’m all glassy-eyed from my earlier anxiety and lack of sleep the night before from late-night last-minute packing, AND couldn’t stop smiling wildly because I just kept thinking “You could not have picked a worse person to be responsible for this.  Wait, pay attention. Don’t laugh.  Ah well, I’ll probably figure it out if I need to.  There’s picture instructions on the door and everything.”

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Oh look, the flight attendants are doing their seat-belt and oxygen mask demonstrations.

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I heard all that does [the little oxygen thingy] is get you high – it has nothing to do with the air in the cabin.

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I wonder if I asked if she’d tell me.

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I mean, really, how high can oxygen even get you? Probably mostly urban myth.

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Plus, the people on those “I lived through it shows” NEVER mention getting high from oxygen.

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Plus – a bunch of high people kind of just increases the likelihood of death in an emergency situation. That doesn’t seem like it would be a wise move for the airplane industry.

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Then the announcer said if the flight attendants could do anything to make our plane ride more enjoyable or entertaining, we should just press the call button above our seats.  The entertaining part caught my attention, and luckily for me all the flight attendants took that moment to congregate by my seat:

“Excuse me miss?”

“Yes?”

“The pilot said if there was anything you could do to make my flight more entertaining I should just ask…”

“He was lying.” [She was quick on her feet and totally funnier than me]

“Well, I was just thinking that a stewardess acapella group would make my flight pretty entertaining.”

Then she started volunteering her coworkers for the job!  Which was pretty awesome.  Sadly, although not surprisingly, I did not get to witness a stewardess apacella group on this particular flight.  I do retain hope for the future however.

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Ok, take-off. Shit, I forgot gum. The guy across from me has gum. HE JUST MADE EYE-CONTACT! Big mistake buddy.

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“Excuse me, do you happen to have an extra piece? I forgot mine.” [He did.]

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I might be the neediest passenger ever.

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Ok, so the flight is playing the food network.  And I can’t change it.  And I missed supper. And the planes don’t take cash.  Who doesn’t take cash? It’s cash. I thought cash WAS the universal thing.

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But the food network? What the hell? It’s either super cruel or incredibly genius. Make the people buy the terrible airplane food! Muhahahahahaha! (that’s my evil laugh if you didn’t catch it).

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SERIOUSLY – WHERE ARE THE MOVIES?! What kind of cheap-ass plane is this?

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It’s a good thing I’m arriving to a dinner party.  Seriously, I am getting off the plane and catching a car right to the restaurant.  Like, I think I’m just gonna roll up on a fancy dinner party in my flip flops carrying all my luggage. Like a boss.

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Also, I got all the instructions for getting the car and the restaurant I’m supposed to go to yesterday when I was super brain-fried.  I had just worked a 12 hour day on 5 hours of sleep and my brain was just Done. With. It.

So I really hope things go well on that front.

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TURBULENCE! I’M GOING TO DIE!

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Oh no wait – it’s fine.

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I wonder if you can use those cigarette-vapor thingies on planes?

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OMG – I forgot they give you pretzels!!!!!!!!  Totes satisfied.  Also, the fact that I’m now looking at my iPad screen and not the food network is legit helping.

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I wonder if anyone would mind if I sang along to my music at the top of my lungs?

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Probably.

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I may or may not have just used my finger to lick the bottom of the pretzel bag for that salty crack-coating they put on those things.  I hope nobody saw.

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WHICH calls to my attention – why don’t they hand out the little packs of pretzels BEFORE take-off so completely unprepared people like me have something to chew on while their eardrums adjust to the change in pressure and don’t have to harass the other passengers?

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I wonder what it would feel like to suddenly just drop 10,000 feet? Probably like the sickest roller coaster ride ever.

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Please don’t let karma make that happen just because I thought it.

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UMMMMMMM  – just figured out how to change the channel.  Forget my whole earlier rant. It’s completely inconsequential.  Moot.

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I feel silly.

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So what’s YOUR funniest airport story? I know you’ve got ’em, so comment and share it with me!

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4 thoughts on “Toronto Trip – Part Two

  1. Pingback: Toronto Trip – Part One | Stories from the far side of normal

  2. Pingback: Toronto Trip – Part Three | Stories from the far side of normal

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