Oh spring, where art thou?

So it is April, and there is still 10 feet of snow in some places.  And you can tell that it’s supposed to be spring because the skunks are coming out of their hidey-holes and you can smell them everywhere.  Spring is supposed to be the return of long-awaited sunshine and flowers, and instead we have snow, mud and smelly skunks.  As bad as that is for us, I can just imagine what the poor skunk families are going through.  I can totally picture a family of skunks emerging from their winter den (I assume they hibernate in holes in the ground… I actually don’t know all that much about skunks), and I think the skunk families are having the following conversation:

[Dad skunk emerges from the hole first, followed by his skunk wife.  His skunk wife slips on some ice.  Cause it’s covering everything.]

Dad skunk: “Be careful goddammit, there’s still snow and ice everywhere {ed note: Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. It does NOT look like spring out there}.  What is this bullshit?!”

Mom skunk: “Jesus Christ honey, I’m using my legs for the first time in 8 months – cut me some slack! I mean, it’s not exactly the nicest terrain out here.”

Dad skunk: “You’re telling me!  I have seen a spring like this since the one of ’67, you remember that?!  I think that spring was the one that gave me most of my grey hairs. All of the garbage took weeks to melt out from underneath all that snow.  We nearly starved.  Goddammit, I’m so worked up I’m gonna spray something.  And it’ll be extra smelly cause I haven’t emptied my stinkbag since October.”

{Ed note: See, I imagine the skunks as being really cranky cause if I was stuck in a hole in the ground with my family for 8 months, I would cut somebody.}

Teenager daughter skunk: “EWWW, Dad, gross!  OMG, you are so embarrassing!”

Younger son skunk: “Cool!  I wanna spray stuff too!”

Mom stunk: “Well if you’re so worried honey we could go back in the hole for a couple weeks.  I’m sure it will be nicer soon.”

Teenager daughter skunk: “NO! I wanna go over to Tina’s!  I haven’t seen my friends in forever.  God, you guys are so stifling.  If you had your way, I’d totally be a complete outcast.  And what would happen then?  I’ll tell you.  I’d die.  I’D TOTALLY DIE.  You guys are basically killing me.”

Son skunk: “If she gets to go hang out with her friends, I wanna go to the arcade.”

Dad stunk (to his wife skunk): “Honey.  Sweetheart.  Love.  I get what you’re saying, and it would probably be nicer in a couple of weeks, but if I have to go back into that hole with those kids I’m going to strangle one of them.  I’m serious.  And one kid would be a lot easier to care of than two.  I might be onto something here.”

Teenage son skunk: “I’m hungry.  I haven’t eaten anything since that rotten pumpkin last fall.  Do you guys think we could find some ham somewhere?  The humans just had Easter I think.”

Mom skunk: “Good god, do you ever stop eating?”

******

Anyway, this are the things I think about.  I know, I worry about me sometimes too.

And since it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, I have another story for you!  Yay!  It kind of makes up for me being a terrible blogger.  No?  Fine.  I won’t tell you.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Of course I’m going to tell you!  You know I can’t keep stories to myself.  It’s why I have a blog in the first place. I’m off-topic again.

So you know how my friend C was visiting from Calgary a few weeks ago?  Well, we went out for drinks in her hometown (which is super small) and I happened across the ultimate college dream ever.

Do you see it?! Do you?!

Do you see it?! Do you?!

I apologize for the poor image quality.  It was nighttime, and I took that picture on my iPhone.  You might not see.  Let me help you.

Every college kid's wet dream.

Every college kid’s wet dream.

It’s a liquor store.  Next to a college.  This college has a LIQUOR STORE built in.  Apparently because this particular college used to be a mall.  (Hey, we’re in a recession! I’ve been told.  So… reduce, reuse, recycle right?).  Lucky college kids.  That’s the ultimate college dream!  I feel like my university missed a real opportunity there.  If my university had’ve had a liquor store on campus, I probably would’ve taken at least two more years to graduate and spent at least a quarter of my student there.  It’s just a massive money-maker all around.  Somebody should just really tell them they need to put me in charge of the university in my province already.  Then I could finally achieve the unachievable Canadian dream and become a president!  Or is it Dean?  I don’t really know how university works either.  I can’t believe they gave me a degree.  I’m off-track again.

So anyway, we decide to go out for drinks because, hello, it’s us and we’re responsible adults.  And we’re at a legion, I think, and there’s PICKLED EGGS on the bartop.  Just sitting there all causal like that’s not something that only occurs in books.

Proof.

Proof.

It’s really hard to take a picture of something inconspicuously that’s sitting on the bartop in a nearly empty bar – but I did it anyway because I love you guys I have almost no shame.

As it is customary to do when out drinking with the girls, we were taking a bathroom selfie (because we’re classy, obviously) and discussing stealing this very cute decorative thingy when this sweet old lady comes out of the stall and decides to join our conversation about our heist plans (we dream big when discussing heists).

This.  This is what we were scheming about.  Again, because we're responsible adults.

This. This is what we were scheming about. Again, because we’re responsible adults.

It was actually quite pretty, and we were totally cool about the old lady joining our tomfoolery because she didn’t judge us for our shady plans regarding decorative thingy.  She actually gave us tips.  I think.  I was a little ‘tipsy’ myself.  (I’m so punny!  Get it?! Tips, tipsy?…  Funny, punny?…  I’m sorry.  I’ll stop now.  Probably.).

BUT THEN

She runs her hands through C’s hair and tells her “you’re so cute” or something like that.  And this is a problem because she came directly from the stall to us.  She did not stop at the sink to wash her hands first.  Ew.  This was C’s face immediately after ‘the incident’ as it was known for the rest of the night:

She sad.  And forever unclean.

She’s sad. And forever unclean.

Anyway, the rest of the night was a blast and when we got home C’s mom had totally put bottles of water on all of our pillows like they do with little chocolates at the fancy hotels, but more like a hotel that totally gets me.  And it was awesome.  Totally made up for the last time I was at her house and I was massively hungover and this wall decal in the bathroom would NOT stop judging me and my life choices:

Seriously, this is really judge-y when you're hungover and want to die.

Seriously, this is really judge-y when you’re hungover and want to die.

For those that can’t read it, it says : “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings you as by what you bring to your life.”  Which for me at the moment was a killer hangover.  I couldn’t help being like “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, inspirational wall decal.  You DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.”

Anyway, that’s all I got for now.  See you next time!

This was my favourite bathroom selfie of the evening.  Because OF COURSE we took a million.

This was my favourite bathroom selfie of the evening. Because OF COURSE we took a million.

PS – I’m sorry that 80% of the pictures in this post were taken in the bathroom.  But it was a really nice bathroom in my defense.

PPS – I know, I know.  There IS no defense for bathroom selfies.  I’ll try to refrain in the future.

PPPS – Who am I kidding?  It’s probably going to happen again.

PPPPS – Perhaps the wall decal was right and I need to re-evaluate my life choices.

PPPPPS – Seems like a lot of work though.

PPPPPPS – Shit.

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